The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘training

Filled versus Full

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I have been on a sort of mini vacation the last couple of weeks, just enjoying the girls and working.  Hey, I did say it was a mini vacation.  To me that means I go to work, do my thing, come home and try to deal with the girls issues, laugh at the goofy things they do (and are also laughing at) and generally put off many of my tasks to provide whatever might be needed in the moment.    Some days I did not have to put off anything, but there were days in which I had to.

My teen had a serious dance with peer pressure, which I am pretty sure is not over.  When is that really ever over?  Inside my heart breaks because she has friends making some very poor choices which will have a lasting effect on their lives and relationships in the future.  I try my best to encourage honesty.

Everyone has their issues, including teenagers.  Life is never ideal, nor is it fair.  However, we seemingly have been blessed enough to be able to make our own choices.  Many peoples lack this gift, and it is a gift.  American children seemingly do not understand why they have the ability to make choices to do the things they do and simply take the American lifestyle for granted.  After all, in their minds we all “deserve” it as a basic right.

Kat has some friends that have a very difficult time in appreciating what they have, where it came from and why it is there.  Pretty much these friends come from families that can afford the activities such as horse back riding, dancing, singing lessons, and other such type activities that have a huge price tag to them.  They do not have the understanding that someone worked hard for their smart iphone or droid powered phones and to provide them with opportunities and experiences many other kids around them will never have the opportunity to have or do.  Each of them have lives that are very full.  Many activities and many opportunities to stray without a parent realizing it.

That had me realize what a blessing I have in my children.  They are no different in the fact that they each have lives that are very full with activities that showcase their talents and desires.  We have singing, running, playing instruments and poi.  All perform at some level.  They are artistic and inquisitive, almost to a point that can be dangerous.  They desire to understand their friends.  Yet, they take the time to eventually talk to me about what is going on in their lives or to come clean with something that they may feel really guilty about.

It scares me sometimes.  My heart skips a beat, but it lead me to wonder, why it is not so for their friends.  What is the difference?  What makes a teenager feel compelled to talk to a parent when all of their friends are telling them not to do so?  Ironically, in this situation, it was not something terribly bad per sea, but could eventually lead to a walk on the wrong side of the fence based upon where these friends are walking in life.  So what makes one teen want to talk to their parents and another hides everything from their parents at all cost until things are too late?

Our children lead very full lives, but I think the answer is what we feed them and what we fill them with.  If all of my responses are based with anger and resentment each time an issue appears, am I filling that child with anger and resentment?  Am I teaching them to strike out as their first response action to a situation that is alarming?

If I listen, even if my face shows concern or shock, and ask questions to fully understand what they are trying to tell me and where their understanding sits, am I teaching them to listen and process?  If I can remain calm and take a deep breath, even walk away for a moment, will they learn those coping skills?  And when I lecture (which I do by the way), will they learn to lecture?  Will they somehow be able to take all different pieces of information and put it together to create a whole picture?

And at the end when I tell them that I love them, when I reassure them what is going on in my mind and how I feel, do they learn to honestly express themselves?  Do I just provide them with a full life and do whatever I need to skate by the moment as a check it off the list to do item or do I take the time to consider and choose to fill them up with compassion, mercy, love and reason?

I am a far cry from a perfect parent and my children are a far cry from perfect children.  The truth is, none of us have achieved perfection in anything.  This to me is not a bad thing, because it is an impossibility.  However, I want to be and hope to be a parent that my children can come talk to no matter the situation and feel comfortable with doing so.  I do not want to be their best friends.  I simply want to be their mom and the best mom that I can be for them.

I have to work more on the filling and not worry or focus on the pressures from the full.  They need to understand that we make choices everyday.  They will make poor choices.  What then?  They need to know what to do after a poor choice, just as well as what to do after a good one.  They need to understand and feel compassion.  They need to understand life without condemnation sitting at the door all of the time.  Fear is the biggest reason I see for teenagers today.  They fear parents will be angry.  They know we will be angry.  They fear our disappointment.  This isn’t to say to not be angry, but to say that our response and how we display that anger can have a long lasting affect on how they in turn respond to those around them during the same moments.

We forget that they still learn the same way they did when they were babies.  They mimic what they see.  They mimic what they hear.  Not all of it is from home.  Some of it is from television, the internet, school, friends, teachers, family friends and neighbors.  But they do also mimic parents.  I hope to be one that fills them with something of substance that can serve them well, enrich their lives and the lives of those around them for all their years.  Not simply a moment.


Written by neomav

June 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Life As A Stuck Gas Pedal

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Sometimes life goes by so fast, one can barely take a moment to breathe in a breath, let alone blink eyes.  It is like life is stuck on fast forward or someone really heavy is sitting on the gas pedal.  That has gotten me to thinking that maybe we are the gas pedal.

I know this past week, I spent everyday running from one moment to the next.  Time was definitely not on my side and I am thankful to the God I have for giving me the ability to survive it.  O.o  Seriously, there is no way I as a person could have singularly accomplished what was done.

Work was spent in the catch up mode.  I was behind before I had gotten the flu.  Missing two days from work certainly did not help that.  My goal is to be all caught up and off the reactive mode before the end of this month.  That is a birthday present to myself.  The ultimate goal – to reduce stress, become more efficient and effective in what I do.  I may be busy, but I don’t want people to “feel” my busy.

Home is like a hurricane or natural disaster came over for a visit and secluded itself solely to the inside of my house.  This is what happens when single parents get sick and the children take over – bless their hearts.  O.o  I think its natures way of getting a sick parent to recuperate faster.  The demise of the home encourages the single parent to re-establish a semblance of order.  If for nothing else, for the sake of sanity.  Nevertheless, my house needs a good once over once again.  The children did try to take care of me and they did a good job at making sure I had water, tea, chicken soup and snacks.  However, their personal habits are not fully developed and their idea of clean is – well – not mine.  O.O

Taxes still need to be completed.  I have some boxes to organize the large mass of paper from over the years that managed to get tossed about over the past year while I was working on the main areas of the house.  Basically, last year my room became the toss it room and contained the livingroom, kitchen and the girls room as I worked on each space.  That includes every book, paper, office supply, pot, pan, toy, etc.

Now things have slowly made their way to their respective rooms and I am left with a huge disorganized mass that used to be in a very specific order.  Sighz!  At any rate, I have the years all placed in their boxes and am trying to pull out any left over scraps and pieces.  I know I do not have everything because there is quite a bit that I have not uncovered.

The interesting thing in putting this back in order is how quickly I ran through 2002 through 2010.  It was a blink, a moment.  From my move back to this state to live near my parents to today.  That took me through my first house purchase, my third marriage and demise of it, over $30,000 of debt taken care of and the transitional waiting period as I figure out when and how to get through my third divorce.  Eight years and I was amazed to see all the issues and problems resolved.  The huge amount of life that was lived and the experiences both good and bad.  I have been through significant things, to include the deaths of my dear Poppa and my Dad.

Life as a gas pedal.  You are pushed to the floor repeatedly by a seemingly unknown force, until one day, you just stick there.  Stuck.  Refusing to budge.  It gets tiring the slow up and then the speed up and by time you are caught up you are already behind.  Somewhere in the back of the mind is the thought if it is one consistent speed, like a professional runner in for the marathon, things will be stable.  Nice try as something works on you to get you to function properly so you are no longer stuck on go.

My life over the last eight years was like that of a stuck gas pedal.  Life on and in speed.  It makes me laugh as I reflect on someone who prophesied over me and told me that this period of my life is a time of rest.  If this is resting, I do not think I am ready for the other!  I think the prophesy was inaccurate.  I think this was a time of training to guide my strong will into using those powers for good versus other.  Just saying…..what else could it be?

Written by neomav

March 14, 2011 at 6:08 pm

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