The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘single parenting

Awe Inspired Stumbling

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We sometimes take for granted that life is filled with luxuries or those things we feel are necessary, but in reality are nothing more than a nice to have.  I always have to giggle a bit as to where God has placed me in life.

I stand with one foot rubbing shoulders with the wealthy.  Their lives filled with fine clothes, decent cars, the ultimate in television entertainment, gadgets and technology to make any geek or geekette drool for ages to come and access to pretty much any whim that strikes them.

My other foot rubs shoulders with the working poor.  By contrast they are washing clothes by hand in their tubs, public access television is the only available channel, radio is the big thing there, internet is accessed at friends or family member’s houses, the cars do not always work when you need them and sometimes its a tough choice to go to the doctor when needed or wait it out because there are other bills that need to be paid.

Neither set of my friends are discontent with their lives.  I always imagined that those that were very wealthy would have huge holes of loneliness embedded in their lives.  The truth is that loneliness can happen to someone regardless.  For those that were poor I had always though that there was a feeling of being without.  The truth is, its hard to feel without something if you have never had it to start with.

It took me a while to understand that issues and problems are known, felt and experienced at every level, by every person, at any age.  Wealth has nothing to do with it.  It may affect the type of issues and problems, but not always.  Neither is better off than the other.

I listened as one of my friends told me a series of events that were happening in the life of his family and himself.  While he has considerable more money than I have, his problems and issues are not fewer than mine.  In fact, in many cases, his issues and problems are extremely similar to mine.  It doesn’t matter that his house is bigger or that he has money to satisfy any and every whim.  The pressures and stress of life are honestly not very different than what I experience.

Life happens to everyone that opens their eyes at the start of their day, that draws in a breath and is here another day, by the grace of God’s hand.  We are the fortunate and blessed.  We have another day and another opportunity.

This life is awe inspired in an awkward sort of way.  We bumble and trip and stumble on the road as we walk our paths in life.  Each of us learning something, and not always the right something.  Life is a series of awe inspired stumblings.  Somehow, somewhere in that walk, God manages to reach us.  We manage to find truth, even if its just for a moment.  And we repeat this over and over again, each time able to hold onto the truths of life that much longer.

I hope in my life that I can be awe inspired and awe inspire others with each step no matter how silly or crazy those steps can be.  I do not want to be just another person trying to survive the day in this world.  I want to be someone filled with awe, inspired by the very essence of life.  I do not care if I stumble as I go, but just that I am able to go and be that which was intended of me to be.

Tonight I sit and write.  I should be studying for exams and taking my Real Estate law class exam online.  My teen is sick and sleeping just a few feet from me.  Concentration is not my thing tonight and it is not that worry eats at my heart.  God is here.  My heart hurts that she has to endure the pains of illness even for a moment.  Even though, in some crazy way, it potentially is good for her, as it brings a reality about that every day even though good, can have moments that do not feel so great.

Yet we are not abandoned.  It is truly good.  Life is here, in our home, even with sickness.  So for now we stumble this portion of the road, maybe fall here and there.  Our hearts are still filled ~ we are awe inspired stumbling.

Written by neomav

November 13, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Filled versus Full

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I have been on a sort of mini vacation the last couple of weeks, just enjoying the girls and working.  Hey, I did say it was a mini vacation.  To me that means I go to work, do my thing, come home and try to deal with the girls issues, laugh at the goofy things they do (and are also laughing at) and generally put off many of my tasks to provide whatever might be needed in the moment.    Some days I did not have to put off anything, but there were days in which I had to.

My teen had a serious dance with peer pressure, which I am pretty sure is not over.  When is that really ever over?  Inside my heart breaks because she has friends making some very poor choices which will have a lasting effect on their lives and relationships in the future.  I try my best to encourage honesty.

Everyone has their issues, including teenagers.  Life is never ideal, nor is it fair.  However, we seemingly have been blessed enough to be able to make our own choices.  Many peoples lack this gift, and it is a gift.  American children seemingly do not understand why they have the ability to make choices to do the things they do and simply take the American lifestyle for granted.  After all, in their minds we all “deserve” it as a basic right.

Kat has some friends that have a very difficult time in appreciating what they have, where it came from and why it is there.  Pretty much these friends come from families that can afford the activities such as horse back riding, dancing, singing lessons, and other such type activities that have a huge price tag to them.  They do not have the understanding that someone worked hard for their smart iphone or droid powered phones and to provide them with opportunities and experiences many other kids around them will never have the opportunity to have or do.  Each of them have lives that are very full.  Many activities and many opportunities to stray without a parent realizing it.

That had me realize what a blessing I have in my children.  They are no different in the fact that they each have lives that are very full with activities that showcase their talents and desires.  We have singing, running, playing instruments and poi.  All perform at some level.  They are artistic and inquisitive, almost to a point that can be dangerous.  They desire to understand their friends.  Yet, they take the time to eventually talk to me about what is going on in their lives or to come clean with something that they may feel really guilty about.

It scares me sometimes.  My heart skips a beat, but it lead me to wonder, why it is not so for their friends.  What is the difference?  What makes a teenager feel compelled to talk to a parent when all of their friends are telling them not to do so?  Ironically, in this situation, it was not something terribly bad per sea, but could eventually lead to a walk on the wrong side of the fence based upon where these friends are walking in life.  So what makes one teen want to talk to their parents and another hides everything from their parents at all cost until things are too late?

Our children lead very full lives, but I think the answer is what we feed them and what we fill them with.  If all of my responses are based with anger and resentment each time an issue appears, am I filling that child with anger and resentment?  Am I teaching them to strike out as their first response action to a situation that is alarming?

If I listen, even if my face shows concern or shock, and ask questions to fully understand what they are trying to tell me and where their understanding sits, am I teaching them to listen and process?  If I can remain calm and take a deep breath, even walk away for a moment, will they learn those coping skills?  And when I lecture (which I do by the way), will they learn to lecture?  Will they somehow be able to take all different pieces of information and put it together to create a whole picture?

And at the end when I tell them that I love them, when I reassure them what is going on in my mind and how I feel, do they learn to honestly express themselves?  Do I just provide them with a full life and do whatever I need to skate by the moment as a check it off the list to do item or do I take the time to consider and choose to fill them up with compassion, mercy, love and reason?

I am a far cry from a perfect parent and my children are a far cry from perfect children.  The truth is, none of us have achieved perfection in anything.  This to me is not a bad thing, because it is an impossibility.  However, I want to be and hope to be a parent that my children can come talk to no matter the situation and feel comfortable with doing so.  I do not want to be their best friends.  I simply want to be their mom and the best mom that I can be for them.

I have to work more on the filling and not worry or focus on the pressures from the full.  They need to understand that we make choices everyday.  They will make poor choices.  What then?  They need to know what to do after a poor choice, just as well as what to do after a good one.  They need to understand and feel compassion.  They need to understand life without condemnation sitting at the door all of the time.  Fear is the biggest reason I see for teenagers today.  They fear parents will be angry.  They know we will be angry.  They fear our disappointment.  This isn’t to say to not be angry, but to say that our response and how we display that anger can have a long lasting affect on how they in turn respond to those around them during the same moments.

We forget that they still learn the same way they did when they were babies.  They mimic what they see.  They mimic what they hear.  Not all of it is from home.  Some of it is from television, the internet, school, friends, teachers, family friends and neighbors.  But they do also mimic parents.  I hope to be one that fills them with something of substance that can serve them well, enrich their lives and the lives of those around them for all their years.  Not simply a moment.

Written by neomav

June 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

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Sometimes things come back to haunt us.  The things spoken to a person or the things we want to say to a person.  The activities we chose to do or not do.  Each moment for all of us is a choice.  Everyone has different perspectives on what is important and what is not.

I watch my girls and I am so amazed at how different they all are, yet they all share that strong willed stubbornness.  My girls are independent thinkers.  That is a good thing most of the time.  Hey, I did not say they thought the right things.  I don’t even think the right things sometimes. O.o

I have my experience seeking adventurer, my athletic bubble liver and the classic under achiever.  Interesting things happen here.  Each has art sung into their souls in unique ways.  My adventurer loves poi.  The flames scare me, but she digs the fire dance.  Her drawing is inspired and unique.  My athlete sings and writes bits and pieces to songs on the go.  My classic fancies fashion, loves textures and bats out the melodies.

They all seem to interconnect in a way. Very different personalities, very different stages in life, yet many similarities.  It is indeed interesting to watch them interact.  Sometimes its funny, other times its simply fascinating.  They are enjoying each other.  I am very happy they are spaced out the way they are.  I used to worry, but I see as they get older, it offers much value.

Apparently while I was at work today, the classic decided it best to not put her all in all into washing the dishes.  She loaded the dishwasher, but with stuck on, never coming off food particles that need to be cleaned off.  Small items seeming jumped out of their home.  My silverwear decided to line the bottom.

I walk in the door to a small portion of the floor covered with bubbles and water.   My adventurer called it karma.  I called it the starting of an angry mom.  Fortunately, I was too tired to fuss much.  We cleaned out the dishwasher drama, brought some of the bubbles to the classic in her bed and invited her for a wash the dishes by hand retry.  The dishwasher was set to finish up and all ended well in the world.

 

Written by neomav

June 8, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Enter the Decompression

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School has been out a few weeks now for me.  I am inundated at work with some fairly large and time intensive projects, which has seemingly taken up a good portion of that time.  Yet, work is very different than school in its requirements in learning or assimilating new information.

With my classes, there was a large amount of information being fed into my head for me to fully understand and learn.  I understand the main differences between the UCC and Common Law, where the conflicts exist and why something many think is simple, is actually a situation that can become troublesome a few years down the road, if one is not forward thinking.

Now there is a small amount of new knowledge coming in, but quite a bit of application with the knowledge base I just learned.  I feel like I just became addicted to learning or to school and the pressures of it.  A deadline at work has stress, but the standard is different and more then likely will not prevent me from making it to law school unless I seriously messed up.  School on the other hand – the grades are a security blanket that you keep tucked under your arm until after you take the LSAT.  The LSAT is seemingly the most important acceptance factor into law school, followed by a review of your ethical behavior trends and then grades.  You do awesome on the LSAT, the grades have very little meaning.  You do average on the LSAT, the grades have meaning.  You do poorly on the LSAT and its time to figure out a new plan.  No pressure here.  O.o  At any rate, its that pressure that I am not feeling right now and it scares me in a way.  Maybe I need to consider a summer class?!?

Orrr, maybe I am decompressing and need to give it a little bit more time, focus on the things I have before me, finish getting caught up on the laundry list of to do’s, to dah’s and promises that I am half way through.  I do not do well with this phase at all.  I wonder how next month will be when the girls are with their father and my oldest goes back to her home.  O.o  I think I will just start picking up the books for school for next semester and get started on reading.  I know the jump will help and maybe that is actually the happy compromise in this situation.  It is not like I lack for busy.  I have plenty of busy and do not really need an additional to do.  I just need knowledge input.

Written by neomav

June 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Racing Time to the Finish Line

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I was expecting a small lull at least after school was over for me for the semester, but there is so much to get done between work and home, that I feel like I am doing nothing more then racing time to get to that finish line.  I have to admit, I am rather disappointed in myself at the lack of organization.  I know I can do much better.  Yet, there is this rebellion in me that just wants a moment without a worry.  Many of my friends wonder why I play games or run in virtual worlds like Second Life.  Well this would be it.  Those are my ways of taking a break from the serious responsibilities in the day.

Do not get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I do love my life and am very content with things overall.  Much of what I have to complain and whine about is futile and minor.  Very minor.  I am a single parent and despite the odds, my girls have proven to be actually quite normal.  You can compare them against what is constituted to be normal families and will find they fare pretty well.  From a single parents perspective that is a good thing.  When issues are the result of the lack of having the other parent in their every day life, you have to be creative.  It is tough being the mom and the dad, the student and the provider.

Teaching through experience training is painful, but I would rather they learn when in the home.  So my house is a continuum of constant flux, chaos and disaster.  Dishes, laundry and trash are regular battles to be won on a moment by moment basis.  Constant vigilance to prevent familial manipulations, to teach them to recognize it and to restrain from doing it is exhausting.  Once someone can recognize it does not take long to be tempted to engage in order to obtain something of desire.  It is human nature.  If it were not, the laws we have in place would not exist.  People have a difficult time behaving in general.  We are wild, crazy and constantly in a flux of change in our development.

Put this together with the elders in my life further down the road, experiencing things I have yet to experience.  The days of their youth behind them, their wisdom dancing about for people my age to chase down and attempt to catch and the constant struggle to determine which parts of that wisdom is useful to life for today.

If I could pause time for a moment, I could just breathe and organize.  A silent piece of time to work through everything and put it in its place.  But life with children means nothing ever is in its place.  Everything is explored, touched, manipulated, moved, analyzed and learned.  This is how one knows their life is truly good.  For a window of time where everything is perfect simply exists within the imagination and to have it may not be a great idea.  Still, even a portion of the organizing would be lovely.

This isn’t something I want others to do for me.  Just something I need to do for myself.  I feel out of sync with things and people.  Its like trying to travel in the same direction as everyone, but backwards.  I just need a small moment to turn around.  I may be walking in the right direction, but I do not feel like I am facing in the direction I am walking.  I keep expecting to be suddenly turned into a giant salt lick for the continual looking back.  But its not a look, its a stance in backward motion.  My big question is – how did I get so turned around anyway.  I am like that one shirt in the laundry that you take out to fold and you have to figure out how to undo all the twists in order to place it in order.  Call me the giant puzzle piece, the pandora’s box or simply that place where everything conflicted seemingly meets in the middle.  It is a job to put it all into some semblance of an order.

Still trying to catch up to promises and tasks and projects that need to be completed.  The major one at work that has sucked two weeks out of every task I need to do will be done soon and I can proceed to catch back up at work.  Crazy!  I have no choice.  I love life.  Boredom is an impossibility where I stand.

Written by neomav

May 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

EPIC FAIL ~ Detox & Other Bits

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I left with me working on week one – Detox.  That was an epic fail on my part.  I avoided the water after the third day, did not walk and pretty much did not follow through on anything.  I did get a great plant out of the deal!  LOL!

This past week was month end/year end at work.  I was still doing the get caught up jiggle.  School is over the hump and we are closing in on finalizing the semester.  The last exams before the final exams are sprinkled through out the next two weeks.

The family has chaos reigning in it with a teen that can’t be inspired when things get difficult and a pre teen that has no motivation to do anything other then watch television.

I also still have things to take care of, like paying bills, finishing the taxes and working in the house.

I think all of them combined sometimes has this affect on me that just pushes me to do a weird self punishment thing.  Doing good things for me seemingly is not warranted, if I can’t have everything else in my life at optimum.   I am not sure if that is a remnant from my father’s high pressure method of expectations or just me or both.

My dad was very charismatic and well loved by many people.  His word was golden to them and they presumed all he said was true and accurate.  At home, it was a different story.  Life was not exactly what people looking in from the outside thought it was.  Achievement was a requirement for me.  It was also my rebellion.  I learned successfully how to underachieve while meeting that base line set for me.

I think, I am tired of that base line.  I always feel as if I am on the cusp of something fabulous and great.  There is a discovery at the other side of that cusp, that has incredible things within it.  I just have to get there.  But the other side is always outside of my reach.

I wonder what will happen if I stop chasing that other side and just start living.  Not that I am not living now, but meaning, trusting in God that He will take care of me.  I have not achieved anything spectacular that my dad would take amazing pride in.  I have had lots of experiences.  I was a soldier in the US Army, a model once upon a time, a stripper in night clubs, a bookkeeper, a secretary, a store manager and a business owner.  Experience is something I can claim.  Actual achievements in anything, not so much.

So what is it that causes people like myself with potential to choose not to utilize it or to just skate by simply because they can?  How is this changed?  What makes the motivation and keep it lasting?  Where does commitment come into play here and how does ones loyalties affect it?

I am seeking these answers.

In the meantime, we are going to redo the failed week 1 and attempt to make it a reasonable success.  Why, because I am stubborn that way!  And it an attempt to get me to exercise I have signed myself up at Curves around the corner from me.  It is not the place I would pick to go to, but it is what we have around here, it is nearby and it most importantly has people there that will push me to do what I have to do for me.

Written by neomav

April 2, 2011 at 10:34 am

Not So Distant Reflections

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It was just like any other ordinary day, well, with the exception of the fact that it was my birthday.  I was prepared to just muddle through the day at the crazy pace that I have recently adopted over the six months.

However, despite the fact that life was going to have its way, my attitude for the day was joyful and light.  I am blessed beyond any measure.  My Mom had a morning message on my phone.  She sang Happy Birthday to me.   😀  That is love.  She also called to be sure that I had listened to the message.  Giggles!!!

My children actually had cleaned the house and completed their chores.  Now this might not seem like a big deal, but when the house is cleaned by your children and they have ensured that they have done all of their chores, it is a BIG deal!  It was sweet, as my teenager likes to say.  My middle child, the teen, created this huge card for me and she had all of her classmates sign the card, even if they didn’t know me.  LOL!  Crazy girl has some fun ideas brewing in that brain!

My sister made dinner and dropped it off at my home.  It was an awesome Corned Beef with Potatoes, Carrots and Cabbage!  It was great!  I snacked on that all night while I studied for my exam, worked on the project and homework that was due and snuck in a little work from work.  Shhhh!

At work, one of my co-workers had brought in some awesome cheesecake.  He also gathered together a few of our co-workers to help enjoy the cheesecake and celebrate the fact that I made it alive through another year.  😀  It was awesome and so was the cheesecake.

And my virtual living exploded.  Facebook went nuts and I have to say I looooved the attention. Unfortunately, I really couldn’t address everyone yesterday because I was intensely studying and trying to get work done. I stopped around 11:30 pm, still unfinished with my work.  L I was tired and just not concentrating. I had to deal with the left overs this morning and followed some studying and updating of homework during lunch.

It may not sound like much of a birthday, but to be honest with you, it was an excellent day.  I do not need fancy gifts or lots of material things.  Rather, it is nice to be remembered or to be important enough for someone to remember.  My family, co-workers and friends gave me a day in which I felt special even though I had to go to work, prepare for school and still fulfill the obligations that I have.  I think that is awesome and it is exciting.  ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Written by neomav

March 21, 2011 at 6:52 pm

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