The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘relationships

Frustrations in Relationships

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Relationships have a huge impact and are so very important in our daily lives.  A relationship ignored or abandoned may not impact us right away, but it will have a long lasting affect over a long period of time.  In the end it sneaks up and tries to bite everyone.

Sometimes, though, one has to choose to love a person from a distance.  It can be because of abusive personalitites, addicitions, consistent poor life choices or any measure of things that bring about an unhealthy aspect to the relationship.  It is necessary to do, even if everyone around does not understand that fact.

When I was younger, I found my escape from relationships that were very unhealthy.  Had I chosen to keep those relationships in my daily life, right now I would be very lucky if I were able to hold the most basic job.  In fact, I would have the viewpoint that the world owed me.

Many think that simply removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship fixes things.  It doesn’t.  The person leaving the unhealthy relationships has to somehow determine what was unhealthy and avoid relationships with those aspects in them.  They also need to deal with the series of issues that exist deep down after having spent much time living with or involved in unhealthy relationships. 

I had to go through a series of situations and relationships to acutally learn the clues as to what was unhealthy and what was healthy.  I am still learning.  Had I gone to counseling on these issues right out of the gate, perhaps I would have avoided all the marriages I had been involved in.  (Relax – I still do not have Elizabeth Taylor beat!)

Yet there is a more central issue.  Where I place my life to start with!  What is it centered upon.  I know I have mentioned this before, but it truly does play a role.  For instance, if my life is centered upon God and I believe that God created me with a purpose, that He molded me with His hands and shaped me, I cannot deny God’s love for me.  If God loves me, then there is something about me that is essentially good.  Something that is actually lovable.  If God loves me, I need to be able to love me.

Loving oneself has a major thing to do with the choices we make.  If we feel that we are not worthy of something or someone, we ruin it somehow.  We make some choice that hurts those relationships or we simply shut the door.  However, if we feel that we are worthy enough, we run with it.  We tend to it.  We care for it.

The irony here is that one can be hard pressed to say they deserve God’s love.  God loves us anyway and in there is another lesson.  It doesn’t matter if we feel we are worthy enough, we need to love anyway – to include loving ourselves enough to make healthy choices.  Yet, the human side of us makes choices in many cases of of our emotional impulses.  Advertisers know this.  Just take some time to study how they determine what colors to use, what images to associate and which words to use in ads.  They are all geared to draw us through our emotional side.

Therefore it gets frustrating at times.  It is hard enough to make good choices for ourselves.  One has to also deal with the choices that others have made.  After all, we are tallking about relationships.  You need another party to have the relationship.

Our values will have a huge impact on what we understand.  In my life I have ex-husbands.  I do not understand their choices in life and sometimes their choices impact my life in one way or another.  I get frustrated because I cannot validate, understand or justify their choices.

You have to let others make their own choices even if they have an impact on you.  However, you do not have to stay so close as to always be hurt or negatively impacted.  A little distance can keep things healthier and happier in the long run.  Loving from the distance has its value in some cases.

Nevertheless, we will always experience frustration in one way or another.  Just remember that as long as the relationship is healthy and it creates constant positive impacts on life, the frustration is quite all right.  If it is unhealthy and creates a constant negative impact on life, it is a flag for you to take some action.

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Written by neomav

October 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Enter Empowered!

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Sometimes we just loose our way.  We are busy chasing the dream or running from the dream chasing us ~ no matter which it is, we still found ourselves somehow off course.  My mind thinks, “I could have sworn I was on a road.  What is with all these trees?”

After having quite a bit of time away, to myself and mostly offline, I realized I was sitting in the middle of the forest frolicking with the forest creatures, enjoying my time and loosing track of my priorities.  I can’t say that I was ever totally lost.  Just a little misplaced from time to time.  Nevertheless it was still in the midst of a forest and I was an adult form of Alice in Wonderland.  Still am, actually.

I have to say that life has been giving me a pounding for a good solid four to five months so far.  Someone sped life up and I was on overload.  Too much information to absorb and too many things, people and tasks to pay attention to.  To be honest, I was feeling a bit trampled.

I think sometimes it is necessary for each of us to do the unthinkable and stray from the status quo of the day.  I have friends in various groups: my Christian friends, my Goth friends, my Second Life buddies, my virtual world hopping crowd, my internet pals and so much more.  Each group is a bond to people through an interest, a lifestyle choice or something in common.  After a while, it just seems to be too much too fast.

I have always been afraid of just shutting down, yet I am no stranger to running away if I have to.  I am really good at running away and hiding when the need happens to appear.  I suppose talking to my friends would be the societal choice.  In some cases, maybe so.  But I have learned that at the end of the day, one has to contemplate over life and determine what is true and what is not.  We need to measure things by whatever standard we have chosen and see where we are sitting to figure out what to do and where to go next.

I am visual.  I have been ignoring that aspect of myself for quite some time.  I am also physical.  I can learn things rapidly because of these two things.  I think in pictures and my body memorizes movement incredibly well, even at this mid age.  We had an awesome sermon given at our church this past Sunday.  It was simple, but yet, it was empowering.

There are days where we go back to the basics, other days we wipe the slate off and start clean, but this was different and exciting.  It was not about either, but both were a part of the resolution.  Rather it is where is your center.  What is your life based upon?  What principles or precepts do you engage or practice?  What obstacles are in the way?  Most importantly, what relationships are in the way.

It was foundational – reminding me of the book on boundaries.  I have to pull that out so I can properly reference it.  Another to do a bit later.  I am writing off the cuff while waiting for class to start.

We have measures of time, pressures of space and stress in our lives.  Yet most are self created.  We choose our relationships, what we will spend our time doing and how we will accomplish things, or not.  What we choose not to do is just as important as what we choose to do.  Thus, where we center our lives has a dramatic impact on our everyday.

Enter empowered!  Just these little tidbits of knowledge empower us to create, to change and to address issues in our lives.  God centered, me centered or money centered……choices.  What are the consequences and what is it that I truly desire?  When riches fail and money no longer fulfills, what next?

God gave us the choice of where we place our hearts, what we do with our time and how we do things.  The only catch is that one has to bare the consequences of ones choices.  A hard life can be where we started, but it does not have to be where we end.  Living proof.

Have to run….will write more soon!

Written by neomav

October 4, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Filled versus Full

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I have been on a sort of mini vacation the last couple of weeks, just enjoying the girls and working.  Hey, I did say it was a mini vacation.  To me that means I go to work, do my thing, come home and try to deal with the girls issues, laugh at the goofy things they do (and are also laughing at) and generally put off many of my tasks to provide whatever might be needed in the moment.    Some days I did not have to put off anything, but there were days in which I had to.

My teen had a serious dance with peer pressure, which I am pretty sure is not over.  When is that really ever over?  Inside my heart breaks because she has friends making some very poor choices which will have a lasting effect on their lives and relationships in the future.  I try my best to encourage honesty.

Everyone has their issues, including teenagers.  Life is never ideal, nor is it fair.  However, we seemingly have been blessed enough to be able to make our own choices.  Many peoples lack this gift, and it is a gift.  American children seemingly do not understand why they have the ability to make choices to do the things they do and simply take the American lifestyle for granted.  After all, in their minds we all “deserve” it as a basic right.

Kat has some friends that have a very difficult time in appreciating what they have, where it came from and why it is there.  Pretty much these friends come from families that can afford the activities such as horse back riding, dancing, singing lessons, and other such type activities that have a huge price tag to them.  They do not have the understanding that someone worked hard for their smart iphone or droid powered phones and to provide them with opportunities and experiences many other kids around them will never have the opportunity to have or do.  Each of them have lives that are very full.  Many activities and many opportunities to stray without a parent realizing it.

That had me realize what a blessing I have in my children.  They are no different in the fact that they each have lives that are very full with activities that showcase their talents and desires.  We have singing, running, playing instruments and poi.  All perform at some level.  They are artistic and inquisitive, almost to a point that can be dangerous.  They desire to understand their friends.  Yet, they take the time to eventually talk to me about what is going on in their lives or to come clean with something that they may feel really guilty about.

It scares me sometimes.  My heart skips a beat, but it lead me to wonder, why it is not so for their friends.  What is the difference?  What makes a teenager feel compelled to talk to a parent when all of their friends are telling them not to do so?  Ironically, in this situation, it was not something terribly bad per sea, but could eventually lead to a walk on the wrong side of the fence based upon where these friends are walking in life.  So what makes one teen want to talk to their parents and another hides everything from their parents at all cost until things are too late?

Our children lead very full lives, but I think the answer is what we feed them and what we fill them with.  If all of my responses are based with anger and resentment each time an issue appears, am I filling that child with anger and resentment?  Am I teaching them to strike out as their first response action to a situation that is alarming?

If I listen, even if my face shows concern or shock, and ask questions to fully understand what they are trying to tell me and where their understanding sits, am I teaching them to listen and process?  If I can remain calm and take a deep breath, even walk away for a moment, will they learn those coping skills?  And when I lecture (which I do by the way), will they learn to lecture?  Will they somehow be able to take all different pieces of information and put it together to create a whole picture?

And at the end when I tell them that I love them, when I reassure them what is going on in my mind and how I feel, do they learn to honestly express themselves?  Do I just provide them with a full life and do whatever I need to skate by the moment as a check it off the list to do item or do I take the time to consider and choose to fill them up with compassion, mercy, love and reason?

I am a far cry from a perfect parent and my children are a far cry from perfect children.  The truth is, none of us have achieved perfection in anything.  This to me is not a bad thing, because it is an impossibility.  However, I want to be and hope to be a parent that my children can come talk to no matter the situation and feel comfortable with doing so.  I do not want to be their best friends.  I simply want to be their mom and the best mom that I can be for them.

I have to work more on the filling and not worry or focus on the pressures from the full.  They need to understand that we make choices everyday.  They will make poor choices.  What then?  They need to know what to do after a poor choice, just as well as what to do after a good one.  They need to understand and feel compassion.  They need to understand life without condemnation sitting at the door all of the time.  Fear is the biggest reason I see for teenagers today.  They fear parents will be angry.  They know we will be angry.  They fear our disappointment.  This isn’t to say to not be angry, but to say that our response and how we display that anger can have a long lasting affect on how they in turn respond to those around them during the same moments.

We forget that they still learn the same way they did when they were babies.  They mimic what they see.  They mimic what they hear.  Not all of it is from home.  Some of it is from television, the internet, school, friends, teachers, family friends and neighbors.  But they do also mimic parents.  I hope to be one that fills them with something of substance that can serve them well, enrich their lives and the lives of those around them for all their years.  Not simply a moment.

Written by neomav

June 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Racing Time to the Finish Line

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I was expecting a small lull at least after school was over for me for the semester, but there is so much to get done between work and home, that I feel like I am doing nothing more then racing time to get to that finish line.  I have to admit, I am rather disappointed in myself at the lack of organization.  I know I can do much better.  Yet, there is this rebellion in me that just wants a moment without a worry.  Many of my friends wonder why I play games or run in virtual worlds like Second Life.  Well this would be it.  Those are my ways of taking a break from the serious responsibilities in the day.

Do not get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I do love my life and am very content with things overall.  Much of what I have to complain and whine about is futile and minor.  Very minor.  I am a single parent and despite the odds, my girls have proven to be actually quite normal.  You can compare them against what is constituted to be normal families and will find they fare pretty well.  From a single parents perspective that is a good thing.  When issues are the result of the lack of having the other parent in their every day life, you have to be creative.  It is tough being the mom and the dad, the student and the provider.

Teaching through experience training is painful, but I would rather they learn when in the home.  So my house is a continuum of constant flux, chaos and disaster.  Dishes, laundry and trash are regular battles to be won on a moment by moment basis.  Constant vigilance to prevent familial manipulations, to teach them to recognize it and to restrain from doing it is exhausting.  Once someone can recognize it does not take long to be tempted to engage in order to obtain something of desire.  It is human nature.  If it were not, the laws we have in place would not exist.  People have a difficult time behaving in general.  We are wild, crazy and constantly in a flux of change in our development.

Put this together with the elders in my life further down the road, experiencing things I have yet to experience.  The days of their youth behind them, their wisdom dancing about for people my age to chase down and attempt to catch and the constant struggle to determine which parts of that wisdom is useful to life for today.

If I could pause time for a moment, I could just breathe and organize.  A silent piece of time to work through everything and put it in its place.  But life with children means nothing ever is in its place.  Everything is explored, touched, manipulated, moved, analyzed and learned.  This is how one knows their life is truly good.  For a window of time where everything is perfect simply exists within the imagination and to have it may not be a great idea.  Still, even a portion of the organizing would be lovely.

This isn’t something I want others to do for me.  Just something I need to do for myself.  I feel out of sync with things and people.  Its like trying to travel in the same direction as everyone, but backwards.  I just need a small moment to turn around.  I may be walking in the right direction, but I do not feel like I am facing in the direction I am walking.  I keep expecting to be suddenly turned into a giant salt lick for the continual looking back.  But its not a look, its a stance in backward motion.  My big question is – how did I get so turned around anyway.  I am like that one shirt in the laundry that you take out to fold and you have to figure out how to undo all the twists in order to place it in order.  Call me the giant puzzle piece, the pandora’s box or simply that place where everything conflicted seemingly meets in the middle.  It is a job to put it all into some semblance of an order.

Still trying to catch up to promises and tasks and projects that need to be completed.  The major one at work that has sucked two weeks out of every task I need to do will be done soon and I can proceed to catch back up at work.  Crazy!  I have no choice.  I love life.  Boredom is an impossibility where I stand.

Written by neomav

May 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

The Weekend Plan O Funage

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It is Friday!  The start of a wonderfully busy weekend and that pivotal weekend when the world is suppose to end according to various students of a few methods of thinking.  My response to that, time passes and as it does, we live and breathe until – well we stop.  At that point, we move onto whatever comes next.

I am going to live each day as well as I can.  I will be the person God created me to be and learn through the series of mistakes that I share in common with many other humans doing the same thing on this planet.  Each day my eyes open and I  take a breath is another opportunity for an adventure and I have a hard time believing that it is without purpose.  In fact, I know it is with purpose.

So in true sassy style, I will go about this weekend like any other.  Tonight I will focus on getting my website together, some photography needed for that same website and content creation plans to fill in the portions of the website.  I shall have a live website by Sunday, regardless if all the content is available or not.  The fun with websites is the fact that they are ever developing.  😀

Saturday I have the normal grocery shopping, bill paying and errand running activities coupled with one of my daughters track events.  First thing in the morning I have to mow the lawn and do a few maintenance tasks.  My neighbors will hate and love me in the same instance because of how early I have to get it done.  By the evening, it will be back to content creation and writing with a game or two to de-stress.

Sunday brings about the normal church fun and family time.  A time that carries me through the week.  I need both.  Many might not agree with the church, especially if they categorize it as “religious practice”, but whatever.  What I know is that there is something in the gathering of a people that fill you with encouragement, that cheer you on, that celebrate your successes and cry with you during times of pain.  It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with relationship.  Relationship with fellow members and most importantly a relationship with God.  Just my two cents anyway.

After that it is prep time for the week, getting ready for work, getting the house settled and finishing up any leftover activities.  Its a wind down and a wind up at the same moment in time – where one cycle ends as another starts.

Potentially, my oldest may be arriving this weekend or she may be leaving from her starting location.  Not sure what those plans are/were and if they are being carried out.  Flexibility with this child is key and not something I do well.  That should provide for an interesting visit when she arrives.

Much has changed since the last visit she had here and much has stayed the same.  Many of the changes are actually within myself and what I am willing to deal with in life.  I find that over the past few years, I really am less apt to compromise something that I value.  I used to just toss my values out the window to please others.  I realized that not only was that not healthy, but it also allowed me to get involved with the more abusive and unhealthy relationships.

I simply do not have the time for the drama any more.  Life has to be basic and practical.  Even when it pops in a twist or two for us to experience.  Boundaries need to be stated, need to be clear and need to be respected.  When someone wants to cross or break down your boundaries because they feel they do not or should not be there, it is probably best that you reinforce those particular boundaries until you, yourself have assessed if it is an unhealthy thing or if it is a healthy thing.  Many people have great intentions, but those intentions become harmful as they control the environment of others.

God gave us free will.  That can be a real hardship when it comes down to people doing what ever they want and dishing out the pain.  I was abused as a child by my father in a variety of ways.  Free will.  He did what he wanted.  It was not a good thing, but it crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed.  Yet in the same token, the same man, would give his shirt off his back to protect a friend, feed that friend or care for them to ensure their health and safety.  Free will.  He did what he wanted.  It was a good thing and while it did cross boundaries, it crossed boundaries only after an open invitation to do so.  It was respectful, caring and loving.

This is why I say, simply really take the time to see why someone is wanting boundaries removed.  It is the purpose behind the intention that is far more important than the intention stated.  At any rate, there will be much in adjustment between my oldest and myself.  I know she has had to have changed much since I last saw her as well.  It is another adventure to look forward to in love, patience and compassion.

It will be a great weekend!

Written by neomav

May 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Opening Pandora’s Box

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The last final exam is tomorrow night and it is all I can to keep focused on studying for the final exam.  I like accounting when I am in the mood for it.  Let’s hope I am in the mood for it tomorrow night and that I do well.

My mind is distracted and focusing on several things that are coming over the break between semesters.  Some of it is exciting, some of it I dread.  I am about to open Pandora’s Box.  Usually, I take my experiences and toss them in this box, locked away and kept secretly hidden.

This isn’t truly a Pandora’s Box.  All of the world’s evils do not exist inside it, rather the evidence of the world’s evils and the resulting grace that has protected me from becoming what I would consider a monster.  We as humans are so fragile, yet we are made with a capability to persevere through some incredibly traumatic events.

As the school season winds down for me, I am preparing to begin a few projects that inter-relate with one another.  They have been in the works for over three years now.  I could have started these projects back then and honestly I had planned, but I was fearful of what other people would think of me or how their perceptions of me might change.

I know that sounds silly.  Especially coming from someone that tends to disregard what other people think in regards to the choices I have made in life and the choices I make at any given time.  However, this is different.  It should not be, but it is.

You see, I tend to avoid conversations or items that are very controversial.  I do not like confrontation.   So I just would go merrily on my way doing my own thing, watching what my friends were doing and letting them do their own thing.  When anyone would confront me about what I was doing, I would immediately run or turn the question back on them.  In fact, in most cases, you would be lucky to know if I had plans to do anything at all.  Instead, I would talk dreams, because everyone likes to buy into a dream.  Dreaming and idea generation is easy for me.  I am a Dreamer.

However, it is time that I pick swords and merge them together.  They were made to be used together.  One sword is truth and the other is compassion.  They are just as much for protection as they are for fighting the way through to the place I have to go.  I know, it all sounds hyper-spiritual.   I promise by the end of the summer, you will think I have either lost my mind or found it.

Three years ago I was not surrounded by the same people.  Some of the same people are around me still.  There are new people around, that are actually not new.  Facebook was wonderful at allowing me to be able to connect with family and old high school friends that I had lost touch with.  Many of them are unaware of the history I have lived, even though they were right there.

In a way, the project I am about to embark on will shock some people because it will reveal aspects of what was really going on in my life.  I would avoid sharing it, but these things are part of the story or the testimony of events that bring us where we are today.  They set the stage for some crazy decision making and thought processes.  Thankfully, I do not have to deal with those same issues today.

Aspects of this project will melt the heart of Mom’s, upset some of the kids and send a few people babbling into the virtualosphere.  My concern is that I do not want to loose any friends over this, but yet, it something that I feel compelled to do.

Most of my life I closed me off from the world.  I kept bits and pieces exposed when necessary, but mostly I had those around me believing the buffet table was all there was and that there was no other rooms or buildings around in the space known as me.  This protected me from having to experience pain repeatedly or from becoming invested in someone that would use my weaknesses against me.  Yet, the aspect that I chose to share was this crazy over compassionate side that would cause me to champion for those around me.  It mattered not if they were stronger or weaker than I was.  What mattered was someone was judging them without the consideration of the entire experience.  That I could not stand.

Today, I live pained.  Nope, not the elbow or the paralyzed hand.  Those typically do not hurt me unless overused or the weather gets a bit crazy.  I am talking about internally pained.  Some from past experiences, some from watching people go through life and some just from the events going on in the world.  There is a growing negativity and anger that disturbs me.  It is reflected all over and it is now integrated into how many of our children respond to the world around them.  I see a lot of dependency and a general lack of acknowledgement for hope.  And that is why I call this Opening Pandora’s Box.  Hope was the last item left in it.  When Pandora shut the box after all the evils escaped, she trapped Hope inside.  It is one thing when a person can state they have no hope in something.  It is a very different thing when hope does not even enter their mind.  They don’t hope, they won’t say they don’t hope.  They simply do not acknowledge the existence of hope.  It pains me.

Hope and Faith are tied together in many ways.  You will have much trouble having faith in anything without some hope.  Hope drives us, it pleases us, it gives a forward expectation with a smile on our faces.  It is exciting and memorable. It is encouraging.

And that is where I am going with this.  The projects I am working on all have something to do with the Once Darkness that everyone has seen me carry through my email address for well over seven years.  It is encouragement, it is hope, it is facing darkness and exposing it to light to see what is hidden.  It is addressing those hidden things, becoming transparent and enjoying each moment of the adventure.

And so, today I started opening Pandora’s Box.  The hosting for the website is secured.  The web page is being put together in five and ten minute increments here and there.  By this weekend, the website should be live and a new set of blogs associated with it as well all geared towards encouraging, to overcoming those obstacles and understanding the excitement of life, even in its darkest hours.

Thanks for listening (err – reading) my babble.  Until next time…..

Written by neomav

May 15, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Not So Distant Reflections

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It was just like any other ordinary day, well, with the exception of the fact that it was my birthday.  I was prepared to just muddle through the day at the crazy pace that I have recently adopted over the six months.

However, despite the fact that life was going to have its way, my attitude for the day was joyful and light.  I am blessed beyond any measure.  My Mom had a morning message on my phone.  She sang Happy Birthday to me.   😀  That is love.  She also called to be sure that I had listened to the message.  Giggles!!!

My children actually had cleaned the house and completed their chores.  Now this might not seem like a big deal, but when the house is cleaned by your children and they have ensured that they have done all of their chores, it is a BIG deal!  It was sweet, as my teenager likes to say.  My middle child, the teen, created this huge card for me and she had all of her classmates sign the card, even if they didn’t know me.  LOL!  Crazy girl has some fun ideas brewing in that brain!

My sister made dinner and dropped it off at my home.  It was an awesome Corned Beef with Potatoes, Carrots and Cabbage!  It was great!  I snacked on that all night while I studied for my exam, worked on the project and homework that was due and snuck in a little work from work.  Shhhh!

At work, one of my co-workers had brought in some awesome cheesecake.  He also gathered together a few of our co-workers to help enjoy the cheesecake and celebrate the fact that I made it alive through another year.  😀  It was awesome and so was the cheesecake.

And my virtual living exploded.  Facebook went nuts and I have to say I looooved the attention. Unfortunately, I really couldn’t address everyone yesterday because I was intensely studying and trying to get work done. I stopped around 11:30 pm, still unfinished with my work.  L I was tired and just not concentrating. I had to deal with the left overs this morning and followed some studying and updating of homework during lunch.

It may not sound like much of a birthday, but to be honest with you, it was an excellent day.  I do not need fancy gifts or lots of material things.  Rather, it is nice to be remembered or to be important enough for someone to remember.  My family, co-workers and friends gave me a day in which I felt special even though I had to go to work, prepare for school and still fulfill the obligations that I have.  I think that is awesome and it is exciting.  ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Written by neomav

March 21, 2011 at 6:52 pm

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