The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘ranting

Frustrations in Relationships

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Relationships have a huge impact and are so very important in our daily lives.  A relationship ignored or abandoned may not impact us right away, but it will have a long lasting affect over a long period of time.  In the end it sneaks up and tries to bite everyone.

Sometimes, though, one has to choose to love a person from a distance.  It can be because of abusive personalitites, addicitions, consistent poor life choices or any measure of things that bring about an unhealthy aspect to the relationship.  It is necessary to do, even if everyone around does not understand that fact.

When I was younger, I found my escape from relationships that were very unhealthy.  Had I chosen to keep those relationships in my daily life, right now I would be very lucky if I were able to hold the most basic job.  In fact, I would have the viewpoint that the world owed me.

Many think that simply removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship fixes things.  It doesn’t.  The person leaving the unhealthy relationships has to somehow determine what was unhealthy and avoid relationships with those aspects in them.  They also need to deal with the series of issues that exist deep down after having spent much time living with or involved in unhealthy relationships. 

I had to go through a series of situations and relationships to acutally learn the clues as to what was unhealthy and what was healthy.  I am still learning.  Had I gone to counseling on these issues right out of the gate, perhaps I would have avoided all the marriages I had been involved in.  (Relax – I still do not have Elizabeth Taylor beat!)

Yet there is a more central issue.  Where I place my life to start with!  What is it centered upon.  I know I have mentioned this before, but it truly does play a role.  For instance, if my life is centered upon God and I believe that God created me with a purpose, that He molded me with His hands and shaped me, I cannot deny God’s love for me.  If God loves me, then there is something about me that is essentially good.  Something that is actually lovable.  If God loves me, I need to be able to love me.

Loving oneself has a major thing to do with the choices we make.  If we feel that we are not worthy of something or someone, we ruin it somehow.  We make some choice that hurts those relationships or we simply shut the door.  However, if we feel that we are worthy enough, we run with it.  We tend to it.  We care for it.

The irony here is that one can be hard pressed to say they deserve God’s love.  God loves us anyway and in there is another lesson.  It doesn’t matter if we feel we are worthy enough, we need to love anyway – to include loving ourselves enough to make healthy choices.  Yet, the human side of us makes choices in many cases of of our emotional impulses.  Advertisers know this.  Just take some time to study how they determine what colors to use, what images to associate and which words to use in ads.  They are all geared to draw us through our emotional side.

Therefore it gets frustrating at times.  It is hard enough to make good choices for ourselves.  One has to also deal with the choices that others have made.  After all, we are tallking about relationships.  You need another party to have the relationship.

Our values will have a huge impact on what we understand.  In my life I have ex-husbands.  I do not understand their choices in life and sometimes their choices impact my life in one way or another.  I get frustrated because I cannot validate, understand or justify their choices.

You have to let others make their own choices even if they have an impact on you.  However, you do not have to stay so close as to always be hurt or negatively impacted.  A little distance can keep things healthier and happier in the long run.  Loving from the distance has its value in some cases.

Nevertheless, we will always experience frustration in one way or another.  Just remember that as long as the relationship is healthy and it creates constant positive impacts on life, the frustration is quite all right.  If it is unhealthy and creates a constant negative impact on life, it is a flag for you to take some action.


Written by neomav

October 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Sitting In Wait

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The hurricane of the season is traveling its way up the coast line towards us.  Right now it is close to the country’s capital.  I can’t help but wonder with an earthquake followed by this hurricane.  My instincts tell me they are related, but I have no scientific proof.  It is something that I will have to look up and research.

The news is covering this storm pretty much around the clock with a few carefully selected commercials in the midst.  Funny, someone somewhere had chosen to take advantage of the fact there was a hurricane and ensure that they advertised with what is deemed as appropriate messages.

I listen to the news telling everyone to stay connected.  We can reach them online if the power is out.  O.o Really?  Who told them to say that?  Most consumers are reliant on the power in order to access online.  That is a small issue.  Infrastructure is likely to be damaged.  I think the only access would be the spotty phone reception that may still be in place.

At any rate, I need to sleep.  I am working on about four hours sleep after the run to Boston yesterday.  Everyone here is tucked in bed and snoozing.  My mom wants me to get some sleep.  However, I just have the drowsy need to guard feeling.  Its something that was established when I was in the military, I guess.  We have done pretty much all we can do…well mostly.

It will be interesting what tomorrow morning will bring.  We should be seeing the height of the storm between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.  The effects as far as rain is concerned is already here and dropping to the ground.  I just pray that we experience no damages, that God places us in a special bubble where the storm passses over us.

I will write more later as the adventure passes on, bringing whatever it is that comes.  Having a bad storm instead of a hurricane would be great news to me.  Be safe everyone.  We will get back to goal setting again after this.

Written by neomav

August 27, 2011 at 9:32 pm

Posted in Reflection

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Racing Time to the Finish Line

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I was expecting a small lull at least after school was over for me for the semester, but there is so much to get done between work and home, that I feel like I am doing nothing more then racing time to get to that finish line.  I have to admit, I am rather disappointed in myself at the lack of organization.  I know I can do much better.  Yet, there is this rebellion in me that just wants a moment without a worry.  Many of my friends wonder why I play games or run in virtual worlds like Second Life.  Well this would be it.  Those are my ways of taking a break from the serious responsibilities in the day.

Do not get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I do love my life and am very content with things overall.  Much of what I have to complain and whine about is futile and minor.  Very minor.  I am a single parent and despite the odds, my girls have proven to be actually quite normal.  You can compare them against what is constituted to be normal families and will find they fare pretty well.  From a single parents perspective that is a good thing.  When issues are the result of the lack of having the other parent in their every day life, you have to be creative.  It is tough being the mom and the dad, the student and the provider.

Teaching through experience training is painful, but I would rather they learn when in the home.  So my house is a continuum of constant flux, chaos and disaster.  Dishes, laundry and trash are regular battles to be won on a moment by moment basis.  Constant vigilance to prevent familial manipulations, to teach them to recognize it and to restrain from doing it is exhausting.  Once someone can recognize it does not take long to be tempted to engage in order to obtain something of desire.  It is human nature.  If it were not, the laws we have in place would not exist.  People have a difficult time behaving in general.  We are wild, crazy and constantly in a flux of change in our development.

Put this together with the elders in my life further down the road, experiencing things I have yet to experience.  The days of their youth behind them, their wisdom dancing about for people my age to chase down and attempt to catch and the constant struggle to determine which parts of that wisdom is useful to life for today.

If I could pause time for a moment, I could just breathe and organize.  A silent piece of time to work through everything and put it in its place.  But life with children means nothing ever is in its place.  Everything is explored, touched, manipulated, moved, analyzed and learned.  This is how one knows their life is truly good.  For a window of time where everything is perfect simply exists within the imagination and to have it may not be a great idea.  Still, even a portion of the organizing would be lovely.

This isn’t something I want others to do for me.  Just something I need to do for myself.  I feel out of sync with things and people.  Its like trying to travel in the same direction as everyone, but backwards.  I just need a small moment to turn around.  I may be walking in the right direction, but I do not feel like I am facing in the direction I am walking.  I keep expecting to be suddenly turned into a giant salt lick for the continual looking back.  But its not a look, its a stance in backward motion.  My big question is – how did I get so turned around anyway.  I am like that one shirt in the laundry that you take out to fold and you have to figure out how to undo all the twists in order to place it in order.  Call me the giant puzzle piece, the pandora’s box or simply that place where everything conflicted seemingly meets in the middle.  It is a job to put it all into some semblance of an order.

Still trying to catch up to promises and tasks and projects that need to be completed.  The major one at work that has sucked two weeks out of every task I need to do will be done soon and I can proceed to catch back up at work.  Crazy!  I have no choice.  I love life.  Boredom is an impossibility where I stand.

Written by neomav

May 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm


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I have officially entered the homestretch.  I have homework left in one class and the rest its all studying for exams.  Exams start on Tuesday.  Fair warning….I can’t tell you how active I will or will not be.  I tend to be unpredictable at best.  Sometimes I just lock myself away and other times I am too stressed to concentrate and seem like I am all over the place.

At any rate, its the last leg to keep the 4.0 roll, maintain being on the Dean’s list and to apply for the Community College version of the Honor Roll Society.  LOL!  I feel like such a kid.

So off I go to study, to be distracted, to work, to play and just get things done in random sorts of ways.  Wish me luck!  Tell me to study when you see me jumping around.  I need all sorts of reminders.

Written by neomav

May 5, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Posted in Work

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A Tad Behind The Eight Ball

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The past few weeks have been slamming!  Someone sent me off in a reckless cart with no brakes going down the steepest hill covered in five inches of solid ice.  Okay, so not really, but it certainly feels like it.

This happens when I get overwhelmed with things and start to hide from the basic responsibilities.  I honestly do not know why I do this, but it is something I do well.  It is like a momentary (or not so momentary) freeze in the brain that suddenly declares that I can’t do this.  Whatever this happens to be.

As a result I go off chasing various butterflies to add to my collection of collections.  Either that or I found a virtual store of Distractions R Us.  Giggles!  Meh – its neither really.  When I get overwhelmed I can’t think and I freeze.  I have to change or adjust my activities for a bit to relieve the stress and prove to myself that everything is fine.

I was talking with one of my Photojournalism classmates last night while we were waiting for things to get going.  There were a few last minute submissions, which is good because these documentaries were our finals.  LOL!  Dave and I were done, so we just sat, drank our coffee and chit chatted about things.  We are the old people in the class.

We talked about how our past can sometimes affect our decision making in the future.  Not that it is an intentional thing, but its a reality.  You can intend on not letting your past hold you back or affect your future.  The reality is, one way or another it will.  Your choice is how you overcome it.

I grew up dealing with various abuses – everything from physical to ritualistic.  The biggie being the ritualistic abuse.  Sometimes I find myself falling into old thinking.  I am what someone else made me to be.  It isn’t true, but it is what I was taught through various means of torturous activity.  It gets difficult sometimes to put the world into perspective, to keep moving and not want to give up or give in.

Fortunately, I am very strong willed and tenacious.  Still that doesn’t stop these momentary lapses of insecurities, poor mental messages and feelings.  It is an attack upon everything that I am doing.  I know that means I am going in the right direction and its time for me to pick up my sword and allow my warrior within do its thing.

The good news, is that in a few weeks school will be over and the battles to fight will be different ones related to familial issues.  There always has to be something.  LOL!  More free time opens up and I will have a chance to get caught up.  In the meantime, please hold on.  The summer will be fun.  😀

Written by neomav

May 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Posted in Feelings, Reflection

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EPIC FAIL ~ Detox & Other Bits

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I left with me working on week one – Detox.  That was an epic fail on my part.  I avoided the water after the third day, did not walk and pretty much did not follow through on anything.  I did get a great plant out of the deal!  LOL!

This past week was month end/year end at work.  I was still doing the get caught up jiggle.  School is over the hump and we are closing in on finalizing the semester.  The last exams before the final exams are sprinkled through out the next two weeks.

The family has chaos reigning in it with a teen that can’t be inspired when things get difficult and a pre teen that has no motivation to do anything other then watch television.

I also still have things to take care of, like paying bills, finishing the taxes and working in the house.

I think all of them combined sometimes has this affect on me that just pushes me to do a weird self punishment thing.  Doing good things for me seemingly is not warranted, if I can’t have everything else in my life at optimum.   I am not sure if that is a remnant from my father’s high pressure method of expectations or just me or both.

My dad was very charismatic and well loved by many people.  His word was golden to them and they presumed all he said was true and accurate.  At home, it was a different story.  Life was not exactly what people looking in from the outside thought it was.  Achievement was a requirement for me.  It was also my rebellion.  I learned successfully how to underachieve while meeting that base line set for me.

I think, I am tired of that base line.  I always feel as if I am on the cusp of something fabulous and great.  There is a discovery at the other side of that cusp, that has incredible things within it.  I just have to get there.  But the other side is always outside of my reach.

I wonder what will happen if I stop chasing that other side and just start living.  Not that I am not living now, but meaning, trusting in God that He will take care of me.  I have not achieved anything spectacular that my dad would take amazing pride in.  I have had lots of experiences.  I was a soldier in the US Army, a model once upon a time, a stripper in night clubs, a bookkeeper, a secretary, a store manager and a business owner.  Experience is something I can claim.  Actual achievements in anything, not so much.

So what is it that causes people like myself with potential to choose not to utilize it or to just skate by simply because they can?  How is this changed?  What makes the motivation and keep it lasting?  Where does commitment come into play here and how does ones loyalties affect it?

I am seeking these answers.

In the meantime, we are going to redo the failed week 1 and attempt to make it a reasonable success.  Why, because I am stubborn that way!  And it an attempt to get me to exercise I have signed myself up at Curves around the corner from me.  It is not the place I would pick to go to, but it is what we have around here, it is nearby and it most importantly has people there that will push me to do what I have to do for me.

Written by neomav

April 2, 2011 at 10:34 am

It’s Getting Overwhelming Here

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Someone glued a cement five ton block to the gas pedal of life.  I am absolutely sure of it!  Honestly!  Really, I am.  O.o

Work is going nuts.  I barely have time to breathe.  I am not sure what happened, but the demands are enough to send me into uber anxiety and I don’t get anxiety attacks normally.  I have a reputation as the can do, will do it and it all magically gets done.  This time…it is too much.  I had weened myself off of taking work home.  I don’t get paid for that extra bit of work.  But right now, I am thinking for sanity sake, I need to.

School starts tomorrow and I am a bundle of nerves.  At least in one class, the instructor that is filling in temporarily is an instructor I had last semester.  He is awesome.  The other class I have no idea and I have to do a little bit of business at the school before class starts.  They cancelled one class, which is not too big of a deal because I had an extra heavy class load.  Either they need to refund money or let me jump into another available class.

I also need to get my blood drawn.  Guess I will need to do that during lunch.  Maybe on Friday, but I can’t bank on that day.  It may snow tomorrow.  The storm was suppose to be bad, but now its stating a 2 to 4 inch delivery of snow.  I can live with that, but a part of me is like a school kid and wants a snow day from work.  LOL!  At any rate, I have to get it done this week.  My doctor has to finish the physical so I don’t have to pay triple the rate for my health insurance.  The pressure is definitely on.

My virtual time will be disappearing greatly as school takes over.  One can only do so much.  I worry that my virtual buddies will forget about me.  Absence does these things and I have a hard time doing the come back.  I am never sure what to say and I do not want to push myself on anyone.  Shy definitely doesn’t work.

The plus side though, is that there are some that I know have my back.  They do not have to hear from me every day.  They care about me, understand what I am doing and support me.  I guess, most of this is my imagination.  It happens because they are all sleeping by time I get home from school.  It gets lonely.

Yet today a friend, Nevar sent me a tweet that basically told me that I inspired him to go back to school.  He figured if I could do it, he can too.  I wanted to cry.  No one has ever told me that I have inspired them to do anything before.  I am amazed and my heart is glad.  School is an awesome thing to do, even for us somewhat middle aged folks.  LOL!

Life isn’t bad for me.  I am blessed beyond measure and honestly, I really can not complain.  I know I whine a lot, but its how I process the information.  I write off the cuff, from my heart and uncensored.  I guess that makes me whiny!!  LOL!

Well, I have to scat off to get some work done.  I will be logging into a favorite virtual world to listen to my favorite music, while I calmly organized my day for tomorrow, slap a bit of a work out out of me and be ready for my first double duty day and my life through the end of May.  New schedule, new stress.  Hello homework!!!  😀

Written by neomav

January 19, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Posted in Feelings

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