The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘Pandora Box

Enter a New Dawn

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Recently, I had written in Opening Pandora’s Box, the feelings I have held in regard to a project that will put me out there.  It is nerve wracking and brings up within me every insecure feeling I could possibly muster.  Phase I of this project is now completed with its basic website design.  You can check it out at Once Darkness.  The blog is just getting started.  I have uploaded the website this evening.

I used a template because I wanted to focus my work on the graphics.  They may not seem like much, but they still consumed a good bit of time nonetheless.  Making sure the links worked was another matter.  My mini adventures was on the website’s upload.  For the life of me, I could not figure out why the graphics were not loading.  O.o It was very frustrating, only to find out that the ftp failed on the image files.  The simplest issue to solve and I was there checking the css code, making sure references were stated correctly and verifying that I had created the graphics in the right format.  My paralyzed hand sometimes gives me renegade clicks, which it did on the ftp server side image folder.  The image folder screamed at me that it had nothing to show me…that is when bells went off.

At any rate, there it is and I am now holding my breath.  Tomorrow I start on content creation.  I have so much sitting in wait to write up and walk through.  Here is to hoping and trusting in God, because this was and has always been His idea.  I would prefer to sit in a corner somewhere and just listen, watch and nod my head a few times.  Now we will be cutting to the core of my being.  Uncomfortably close, where it will hurt when others feel angered or bothered.  We are funny that way in our humanity.  I read some things that get me so disgusted and angry at times.  This is based on one of those topics that people get those strong feelings with, but if it inspires or helps just one person, I have to say, it will be well worth it.

I will still be blogging here.  This blog is more for my renegade thoughts, my feelings and the crazy things that I do as I work through things in the single mom world.  Once Darkness may be written mostly by myself, but for the most part, it should apply to everyone and hopefully encourage everyone.  It is the start of a new dawn and I pray and hope.  Not for anything in particular.  I just pray and hope.  😀

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Written by neomav

June 5, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Opening Pandora’s Box

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The last final exam is tomorrow night and it is all I can to keep focused on studying for the final exam.  I like accounting when I am in the mood for it.  Let’s hope I am in the mood for it tomorrow night and that I do well.

My mind is distracted and focusing on several things that are coming over the break between semesters.  Some of it is exciting, some of it I dread.  I am about to open Pandora’s Box.  Usually, I take my experiences and toss them in this box, locked away and kept secretly hidden.

This isn’t truly a Pandora’s Box.  All of the world’s evils do not exist inside it, rather the evidence of the world’s evils and the resulting grace that has protected me from becoming what I would consider a monster.  We as humans are so fragile, yet we are made with a capability to persevere through some incredibly traumatic events.

As the school season winds down for me, I am preparing to begin a few projects that inter-relate with one another.  They have been in the works for over three years now.  I could have started these projects back then and honestly I had planned, but I was fearful of what other people would think of me or how their perceptions of me might change.

I know that sounds silly.  Especially coming from someone that tends to disregard what other people think in regards to the choices I have made in life and the choices I make at any given time.  However, this is different.  It should not be, but it is.

You see, I tend to avoid conversations or items that are very controversial.  I do not like confrontation.   So I just would go merrily on my way doing my own thing, watching what my friends were doing and letting them do their own thing.  When anyone would confront me about what I was doing, I would immediately run or turn the question back on them.  In fact, in most cases, you would be lucky to know if I had plans to do anything at all.  Instead, I would talk dreams, because everyone likes to buy into a dream.  Dreaming and idea generation is easy for me.  I am a Dreamer.

However, it is time that I pick swords and merge them together.  They were made to be used together.  One sword is truth and the other is compassion.  They are just as much for protection as they are for fighting the way through to the place I have to go.  I know, it all sounds hyper-spiritual.   I promise by the end of the summer, you will think I have either lost my mind or found it.

Three years ago I was not surrounded by the same people.  Some of the same people are around me still.  There are new people around, that are actually not new.  Facebook was wonderful at allowing me to be able to connect with family and old high school friends that I had lost touch with.  Many of them are unaware of the history I have lived, even though they were right there.

In a way, the project I am about to embark on will shock some people because it will reveal aspects of what was really going on in my life.  I would avoid sharing it, but these things are part of the story or the testimony of events that bring us where we are today.  They set the stage for some crazy decision making and thought processes.  Thankfully, I do not have to deal with those same issues today.

Aspects of this project will melt the heart of Mom’s, upset some of the kids and send a few people babbling into the virtualosphere.  My concern is that I do not want to loose any friends over this, but yet, it something that I feel compelled to do.

Most of my life I closed me off from the world.  I kept bits and pieces exposed when necessary, but mostly I had those around me believing the buffet table was all there was and that there was no other rooms or buildings around in the space known as me.  This protected me from having to experience pain repeatedly or from becoming invested in someone that would use my weaknesses against me.  Yet, the aspect that I chose to share was this crazy over compassionate side that would cause me to champion for those around me.  It mattered not if they were stronger or weaker than I was.  What mattered was someone was judging them without the consideration of the entire experience.  That I could not stand.

Today, I live pained.  Nope, not the elbow or the paralyzed hand.  Those typically do not hurt me unless overused or the weather gets a bit crazy.  I am talking about internally pained.  Some from past experiences, some from watching people go through life and some just from the events going on in the world.  There is a growing negativity and anger that disturbs me.  It is reflected all over and it is now integrated into how many of our children respond to the world around them.  I see a lot of dependency and a general lack of acknowledgement for hope.  And that is why I call this Opening Pandora’s Box.  Hope was the last item left in it.  When Pandora shut the box after all the evils escaped, she trapped Hope inside.  It is one thing when a person can state they have no hope in something.  It is a very different thing when hope does not even enter their mind.  They don’t hope, they won’t say they don’t hope.  They simply do not acknowledge the existence of hope.  It pains me.

Hope and Faith are tied together in many ways.  You will have much trouble having faith in anything without some hope.  Hope drives us, it pleases us, it gives a forward expectation with a smile on our faces.  It is exciting and memorable. It is encouraging.

And that is where I am going with this.  The projects I am working on all have something to do with the Once Darkness that everyone has seen me carry through my email address for well over seven years.  It is encouragement, it is hope, it is facing darkness and exposing it to light to see what is hidden.  It is addressing those hidden things, becoming transparent and enjoying each moment of the adventure.

And so, today I started opening Pandora’s Box.  The hosting for the website is secured.  The web page is being put together in five and ten minute increments here and there.  By this weekend, the website should be live and a new set of blogs associated with it as well all geared towards encouraging, to overcoming those obstacles and understanding the excitement of life, even in its darkest hours.

Thanks for listening (err – reading) my babble.  Until next time…..

Written by neomav

May 15, 2011 at 8:45 pm

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