The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘pain

Awe Inspired Stumbling

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We sometimes take for granted that life is filled with luxuries or those things we feel are necessary, but in reality are nothing more than a nice to have.  I always have to giggle a bit as to where God has placed me in life.

I stand with one foot rubbing shoulders with the wealthy.  Their lives filled with fine clothes, decent cars, the ultimate in television entertainment, gadgets and technology to make any geek or geekette drool for ages to come and access to pretty much any whim that strikes them.

My other foot rubs shoulders with the working poor.  By contrast they are washing clothes by hand in their tubs, public access television is the only available channel, radio is the big thing there, internet is accessed at friends or family member’s houses, the cars do not always work when you need them and sometimes its a tough choice to go to the doctor when needed or wait it out because there are other bills that need to be paid.

Neither set of my friends are discontent with their lives.  I always imagined that those that were very wealthy would have huge holes of loneliness embedded in their lives.  The truth is that loneliness can happen to someone regardless.  For those that were poor I had always though that there was a feeling of being without.  The truth is, its hard to feel without something if you have never had it to start with.

It took me a while to understand that issues and problems are known, felt and experienced at every level, by every person, at any age.  Wealth has nothing to do with it.  It may affect the type of issues and problems, but not always.  Neither is better off than the other.

I listened as one of my friends told me a series of events that were happening in the life of his family and himself.  While he has considerable more money than I have, his problems and issues are not fewer than mine.  In fact, in many cases, his issues and problems are extremely similar to mine.  It doesn’t matter that his house is bigger or that he has money to satisfy any and every whim.  The pressures and stress of life are honestly not very different than what I experience.

Life happens to everyone that opens their eyes at the start of their day, that draws in a breath and is here another day, by the grace of God’s hand.  We are the fortunate and blessed.  We have another day and another opportunity.

This life is awe inspired in an awkward sort of way.  We bumble and trip and stumble on the road as we walk our paths in life.  Each of us learning something, and not always the right something.  Life is a series of awe inspired stumblings.  Somehow, somewhere in that walk, God manages to reach us.  We manage to find truth, even if its just for a moment.  And we repeat this over and over again, each time able to hold onto the truths of life that much longer.

I hope in my life that I can be awe inspired and awe inspire others with each step no matter how silly or crazy those steps can be.  I do not want to be just another person trying to survive the day in this world.  I want to be someone filled with awe, inspired by the very essence of life.  I do not care if I stumble as I go, but just that I am able to go and be that which was intended of me to be.

Tonight I sit and write.  I should be studying for exams and taking my Real Estate law class exam online.  My teen is sick and sleeping just a few feet from me.  Concentration is not my thing tonight and it is not that worry eats at my heart.  God is here.  My heart hurts that she has to endure the pains of illness even for a moment.  Even though, in some crazy way, it potentially is good for her, as it brings a reality about that every day even though good, can have moments that do not feel so great.

Yet we are not abandoned.  It is truly good.  Life is here, in our home, even with sickness.  So for now we stumble this portion of the road, maybe fall here and there.  Our hearts are still filled ~ we are awe inspired stumbling.

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Written by neomav

November 13, 2011 at 11:32 pm

A Tad Behind The Eight Ball

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The past few weeks have been slamming!  Someone sent me off in a reckless cart with no brakes going down the steepest hill covered in five inches of solid ice.  Okay, so not really, but it certainly feels like it.

This happens when I get overwhelmed with things and start to hide from the basic responsibilities.  I honestly do not know why I do this, but it is something I do well.  It is like a momentary (or not so momentary) freeze in the brain that suddenly declares that I can’t do this.  Whatever this happens to be.

As a result I go off chasing various butterflies to add to my collection of collections.  Either that or I found a virtual store of Distractions R Us.  Giggles!  Meh – its neither really.  When I get overwhelmed I can’t think and I freeze.  I have to change or adjust my activities for a bit to relieve the stress and prove to myself that everything is fine.

I was talking with one of my Photojournalism classmates last night while we were waiting for things to get going.  There were a few last minute submissions, which is good because these documentaries were our finals.  LOL!  Dave and I were done, so we just sat, drank our coffee and chit chatted about things.  We are the old people in the class.

We talked about how our past can sometimes affect our decision making in the future.  Not that it is an intentional thing, but its a reality.  You can intend on not letting your past hold you back or affect your future.  The reality is, one way or another it will.  Your choice is how you overcome it.

I grew up dealing with various abuses – everything from physical to ritualistic.  The biggie being the ritualistic abuse.  Sometimes I find myself falling into old thinking.  I am what someone else made me to be.  It isn’t true, but it is what I was taught through various means of torturous activity.  It gets difficult sometimes to put the world into perspective, to keep moving and not want to give up or give in.

Fortunately, I am very strong willed and tenacious.  Still that doesn’t stop these momentary lapses of insecurities, poor mental messages and feelings.  It is an attack upon everything that I am doing.  I know that means I am going in the right direction and its time for me to pick up my sword and allow my warrior within do its thing.

The good news, is that in a few weeks school will be over and the battles to fight will be different ones related to familial issues.  There always has to be something.  LOL!  More free time opens up and I will have a chance to get caught up.  In the meantime, please hold on.  The summer will be fun.  😀

Written by neomav

May 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Posted in Feelings, Reflection

Tagged with , , ,

….Struggle

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I know all humans have some moments where they struggle with conflicts or issues within.  I do not expect that I am much different, except maybe where my struggles constantly are based out of.  Yet, then again, I have met more and more people similar.

I wonder then, why do I sometimes feel alone.  There is an ache deep within my soul that constantly cries in pain.  Not bitterly, nor with any anger.  Just a pure raw depth of hurt.  I have this good girl image gone awry.  The good girl playing goth babe for the day, as if it were a show meant to entertain the world.

Inwardly, I constantly deal with these struggles.  How crazy the world seems today with its increasing violence and anger filled ways.  That too hurts me.  It pains me everyday to watch or listen to the news.  Just once I would love to hear something positive rather then the constant bickering of governmental officials, random murders and deathly abuses.  Really, has the world gone mad?

I sometimes try to escape into the virtual worlds.  There I find quiet.  I killed the popularity of my former self while in a private temper tantrum over the fact that my right hand is paralyzed.  I act like it doesn’t bother me out in the world.  If you were to converse with me, you would leave thinking I was super girl and nothing but utterly amazed.  The truth is, it bothers me greatly.  I see where it is a mixed blessing in disguise as now that the drawing has been removed (though I miss it greatly), I am left with nothing but to write, snap pictures or click to create anything remotely artistic.

The blessing is that writing is actually a love I have had all my life.  I have many friends waiting for me to do something formal with it.  This partially forces me in that direction.  Not willingly, but knowingly.  I am one stubborn girl.

I wonder what do people do when they feel this way?  I know most people do not speak about it.  The world might find them crazy or a little to honest, reminding them of their own internal battles.  What do they do with it?  How deep are these emotions placed?

I think its time that I fulfilled the idea I had for a photographic display of the emotions trapped inside.  Maybe they can finally be released or if not maybe I can be temporarily relieved.  I know each of us are gifted with different things.  I have been told that I am wise.  I am not sure that I agree with that statement, but who knows.  I guess it is where one stands at the time the observation is made.  I have also been told that I am empathic and abundantly compassionate.  I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have to find an outlet before I bust.  I think the photography idea might be a good place to start.  I will post more once I figure it out or I need to ramble, which ever comes first.  LOL!  Til then, be safe, be love.

 

Written by neomav

January 18, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Posted in Feelings

Tagged with , , , ,

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