The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘hope

Effects of College on My Mind

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I find my mind twisted these past days.  I am painfully influenced by all of the various reading required in school.  While I can not push my mind past the images that float within it, I still try to dismiss the poetic songs that are left intertwined with my everyday thoughts.

It is like babble floating within the very cells of my brain.  I wonder, often, if this is how one experiences changes.  I know that each piece of knowledge, each piece of reading, every segment of every lecture is somehow being categorized, recorded and stored in the dark recesses of various areas of my brain.  The sad thing, is this is the true actual reality and I fully understand it.  I do not mean that to sound badly.  It is just, that is actually what is happening on a deeply cellular level and this is something I truly do understand.  The curse of being overly curious about the way to increase intelligence brought me to a few books that intentionally described the very process of learning.  It was strangely interesting and completely unforgettable.

Having spent the last few weeks rushing about with the start of the semester, trying to grasp the subject matter, which in some cases is a struggle, I am buckling under the physical call of tiredness.  Each semester seems to be easier on some points and harder on others.  I think I need to stop looking at the long road, that has seven more years of dancing with this college lifestyle and break it down into more agreeable portions.  Still, I can not help but to look down the road.  My goal is taunting me like one teases a dog with a treat.

I have three semesters left to claim the two Associates degrees that I have been working on.  I would have finished with this semester, had I not realized the lack of classes that would transfer to the four year college.  It is a smart decision and I do not feel sorrow for chasing down the Paralegal Studies.  The lawyers that had warned me that it was useless to do at this point, understood the base requirements for getting to the final goal quickly.  Instead, because of work, I chose to chase down the Paralegal side of life.  It does not really gather me much in prestige, nor will the degree grant me much in a way of a promotion.  In fact, the irony is, if they change my title to a paralegal, it is in fact a demotion from what I am currently titled.  Hopefully, that does not happen.

Even still, even if it does add an extra year to get to the law degree, I think that it is worth it.  I have come to realize the subject matter sets a solid foundation for those years to come.  Practically speaking, I will know the law from two sides of the equation.  One of the working class laborer, who assists the lawyers with various tasks as required and one of the lawyer,  brand new and inept at the very practice of law.  Many do not realize baby lawyers actually have little experience in the application of law.  They have plenty of practice in the theory of law.

It is a long road.  My youngest will have graduated from high school before I finish.  My oldest will more than likely graduate with her Associates Degree before I do.  My middle one will be part way through establishing her own independence as she traverses the college scene.  I wonder at the impact that my dance with education will have on them.  Is it a good influence upon them for their mother to entertain this level of education right now?  I am not sure at times.  It takes me out of the home for classes three nights during the week.  That is less attention and observation that I can provide to them.

We have already discovered that too much independence wreaks havoc with my two youngest.  Buckling under the pressure, they redefined the rules of the house to pretty much do whatever pleases themselves.  It was very displeasing to me.  I actually spent the last month getting the house back to a decent sense of stability.  Parent jail if you will call it.  Probably a topic for its very own blog.  Nevertheless, it was a very time consuming and tedious process that I truly wish was not necessary.  My two youngest are thriving again, but miserable that they lost the wondrous freedom they have enjoyed over the past three semesters.  The first two they were reasonable.  For some reason, this last one, they strayed a little too far.  It was not comfortable and has created havoc with their very beings, though they would attempt to convince you differently.

Now that things are back to an orderly way, I can start progressing on the goals I had established for myself.  A month late, but sometimes it is worth it to stop and deal with the items that can grow into insurmountable obstacles before they truly take root.  I am excited, but totally exhausted.

I apologize for the difference in writing style.  I, unfortunately, am easily influenced by the things I have to read in school.  My English Literature class is sending my senses buzzing and dancing in ways it had not, since I was a teenager in high school.  Old dreams are flashing in front of me and I am tempted to grab them as I travel this educational voyage, but I have to weigh the effects of such a choice.  Philosophy is fighting against the practical everyday portion of my being.  I am processing the information, understanding it and amazed, but kicking and screaming every step of the way.  Sociology is painful, almost like a salt filled wound.  My mind eases when I am privileged to read and go to the Probate Law and Litigation classes.  They appeal to my senses, are practical, useful and real.

All of it together gets mixed and I can not help but be influenced.  This semester ends in May, so just hang in there with me.  The poetic and dramatic styling that seems to have awakened is actually the way I used to write years ago, before life beat me with experience and time was used as a throttle.  I have no idea if it will stay or if I will bounce between the two.  Maybe they will merge and become something completely unique.  This, in and of itself, is a curious adventure.  At any rate, I am back and I hoped you missed me.

Written by neomav

February 4, 2012 at 12:52 am

Frustrations in Relationships

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Relationships have a huge impact and are so very important in our daily lives.  A relationship ignored or abandoned may not impact us right away, but it will have a long lasting affect over a long period of time.  In the end it sneaks up and tries to bite everyone.

Sometimes, though, one has to choose to love a person from a distance.  It can be because of abusive personalitites, addicitions, consistent poor life choices or any measure of things that bring about an unhealthy aspect to the relationship.  It is necessary to do, even if everyone around does not understand that fact.

When I was younger, I found my escape from relationships that were very unhealthy.  Had I chosen to keep those relationships in my daily life, right now I would be very lucky if I were able to hold the most basic job.  In fact, I would have the viewpoint that the world owed me.

Many think that simply removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship fixes things.  It doesn’t.  The person leaving the unhealthy relationships has to somehow determine what was unhealthy and avoid relationships with those aspects in them.  They also need to deal with the series of issues that exist deep down after having spent much time living with or involved in unhealthy relationships. 

I had to go through a series of situations and relationships to acutally learn the clues as to what was unhealthy and what was healthy.  I am still learning.  Had I gone to counseling on these issues right out of the gate, perhaps I would have avoided all the marriages I had been involved in.  (Relax – I still do not have Elizabeth Taylor beat!)

Yet there is a more central issue.  Where I place my life to start with!  What is it centered upon.  I know I have mentioned this before, but it truly does play a role.  For instance, if my life is centered upon God and I believe that God created me with a purpose, that He molded me with His hands and shaped me, I cannot deny God’s love for me.  If God loves me, then there is something about me that is essentially good.  Something that is actually lovable.  If God loves me, I need to be able to love me.

Loving oneself has a major thing to do with the choices we make.  If we feel that we are not worthy of something or someone, we ruin it somehow.  We make some choice that hurts those relationships or we simply shut the door.  However, if we feel that we are worthy enough, we run with it.  We tend to it.  We care for it.

The irony here is that one can be hard pressed to say they deserve God’s love.  God loves us anyway and in there is another lesson.  It doesn’t matter if we feel we are worthy enough, we need to love anyway – to include loving ourselves enough to make healthy choices.  Yet, the human side of us makes choices in many cases of of our emotional impulses.  Advertisers know this.  Just take some time to study how they determine what colors to use, what images to associate and which words to use in ads.  They are all geared to draw us through our emotional side.

Therefore it gets frustrating at times.  It is hard enough to make good choices for ourselves.  One has to also deal with the choices that others have made.  After all, we are tallking about relationships.  You need another party to have the relationship.

Our values will have a huge impact on what we understand.  In my life I have ex-husbands.  I do not understand their choices in life and sometimes their choices impact my life in one way or another.  I get frustrated because I cannot validate, understand or justify their choices.

You have to let others make their own choices even if they have an impact on you.  However, you do not have to stay so close as to always be hurt or negatively impacted.  A little distance can keep things healthier and happier in the long run.  Loving from the distance has its value in some cases.

Nevertheless, we will always experience frustration in one way or another.  Just remember that as long as the relationship is healthy and it creates constant positive impacts on life, the frustration is quite all right.  If it is unhealthy and creates a constant negative impact on life, it is a flag for you to take some action.

Written by neomav

October 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Enter Empowered!

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Sometimes we just loose our way.  We are busy chasing the dream or running from the dream chasing us ~ no matter which it is, we still found ourselves somehow off course.  My mind thinks, “I could have sworn I was on a road.  What is with all these trees?”

After having quite a bit of time away, to myself and mostly offline, I realized I was sitting in the middle of the forest frolicking with the forest creatures, enjoying my time and loosing track of my priorities.  I can’t say that I was ever totally lost.  Just a little misplaced from time to time.  Nevertheless it was still in the midst of a forest and I was an adult form of Alice in Wonderland.  Still am, actually.

I have to say that life has been giving me a pounding for a good solid four to five months so far.  Someone sped life up and I was on overload.  Too much information to absorb and too many things, people and tasks to pay attention to.  To be honest, I was feeling a bit trampled.

I think sometimes it is necessary for each of us to do the unthinkable and stray from the status quo of the day.  I have friends in various groups: my Christian friends, my Goth friends, my Second Life buddies, my virtual world hopping crowd, my internet pals and so much more.  Each group is a bond to people through an interest, a lifestyle choice or something in common.  After a while, it just seems to be too much too fast.

I have always been afraid of just shutting down, yet I am no stranger to running away if I have to.  I am really good at running away and hiding when the need happens to appear.  I suppose talking to my friends would be the societal choice.  In some cases, maybe so.  But I have learned that at the end of the day, one has to contemplate over life and determine what is true and what is not.  We need to measure things by whatever standard we have chosen and see where we are sitting to figure out what to do and where to go next.

I am visual.  I have been ignoring that aspect of myself for quite some time.  I am also physical.  I can learn things rapidly because of these two things.  I think in pictures and my body memorizes movement incredibly well, even at this mid age.  We had an awesome sermon given at our church this past Sunday.  It was simple, but yet, it was empowering.

There are days where we go back to the basics, other days we wipe the slate off and start clean, but this was different and exciting.  It was not about either, but both were a part of the resolution.  Rather it is where is your center.  What is your life based upon?  What principles or precepts do you engage or practice?  What obstacles are in the way?  Most importantly, what relationships are in the way.

It was foundational – reminding me of the book on boundaries.  I have to pull that out so I can properly reference it.  Another to do a bit later.  I am writing off the cuff while waiting for class to start.

We have measures of time, pressures of space and stress in our lives.  Yet most are self created.  We choose our relationships, what we will spend our time doing and how we will accomplish things, or not.  What we choose not to do is just as important as what we choose to do.  Thus, where we center our lives has a dramatic impact on our everyday.

Enter empowered!  Just these little tidbits of knowledge empower us to create, to change and to address issues in our lives.  God centered, me centered or money centered……choices.  What are the consequences and what is it that I truly desire?  When riches fail and money no longer fulfills, what next?

God gave us the choice of where we place our hearts, what we do with our time and how we do things.  The only catch is that one has to bare the consequences of ones choices.  A hard life can be where we started, but it does not have to be where we end.  Living proof.

Have to run….will write more soon!

Written by neomav

October 4, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Beyond the Blindside

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My last post was made a few moments before I went into one of my classes.  I talked about how I was feeling blindsided and then I had an epiphany, leaving everyone hanging.

Before I continue I want to examine what exactly being blindsided means.  One of the definitions is to be attacked from an unexpected position.  Another is to be caught unprepared.  While I chose the word blindside, I did not realize how true of a statement it was until a bit later.

I have been both unprepared and attacked from unexpected positions.  It has been unrelenting and continuous.  The more it happened the harder it was for me to recover in time for the next round. It was like I could not breath, catch a breath or prepare.  I felt like I was going to be dead meat.

Obstacles cropped up everywhere.  Obstacles appeared in front of everything and even behind me.  I was surrounded.  My mind was at a point that was somewhere between desperation, despair and hope.  Such an odd combination, but I know for a fact that my God isn’t going to let me simply die out, unless I myself choose to do so.  I can have hope, even when I do not know the solution.

I have always worked in positions where I could accumulate a heavy workflow by taking on more and more responsibilities.  I enjoy the pressure for some reason.  I truly think, aside from the fact that I love to learn, that this same thing is why I love college so much.

Yet more things are thrown at me that I did not expect to have to take on, or had not been prepared to deal with due to a lack of knowledge.  New experiences on top of the things going on.  I have struggled, pushed, crawled, cried, engaged in temper tantrums, fits and moments of peace.  I kept going with the idea that somehow I have to manage to do it all.

But I realized the last time that I wrote that I was ignoring something.  I have God.  He has wisdom and He has promised that wisdom to me.  It is accessible, but I have to ask for it.  I do not have to walk alone.  He is with me and He has provided me with many people in my family, at work, in church, online in various places and through out the world to walk with me.  Yet, I had been hiding in my safe place, trying to go it alone and stressing out because suddenly that safe place was under attack.  It was no longer safe.

Needless to say, I tend to stay to myself and come out here and there to chat, talk and communicate.  Then I go back into hiding.  God is not asking me to delegate my job or my school work or my parenting.  In fact, the overwhelming part has been that nothing can truly be delegated.  Even if someone is watching my children, I am ultimately responsible.  No one can do my homework or learning for me.  It isn’t about delegating, its about being supported.

Delegation is when you pass off something to someone else to do. For instance, I delegate the responsibilities of cleaning the cat litter, cleaning the dogs crate, feeding the animals and washing the dishes to my children.  They do it.  I just check to be sure it has been done.

Support is when you complete your tasks, but those around you hold you up, they cheer you on.  They are cheering you on when you start to slow down and feel like you can’t go on.  They are holding you up when you feel like you can no longer stand.  When you reach a point that you feel you can not go on, your support system is there (0r should be) to keep you going.  God is central to that support system.  While it is nice to say that one can support themselves, and at times it may be necessary to exert such determination, it is truly a blessing to be able to rely on others and not have to walk alone.  Its no longer I did it by myself, but I did it by the grace and power of God, by His hand in my life and with the help of those He placed there to keep me going.

It is exciting and scary at the same time.  It is a “Wow” moment for me.  It also requires that I make a true attempt at socializing more versus hiding more.  I was overwhelmed so I hid from every social network, from all those around me and have been flying by the seat of my pants.  Guess what?  It does not work!!  People have to be there.  It is necessary for me to encourage, to fill up, to invest in and to desire friendships with others.  It is important that I have those friendships.  Its not just about them supporting me, but it works the other way around as well.  I need to be there for them too.

Now this is truly uncharted territory for me.  I am not really sure how one does that.  So we are onto the exploration of what does it mean to support a person.  How does one give support and how does one receive support?  Does it enhance the relationships and what are its pitfalls to look out for?  These are questions that I need to answer.

I am standing beyond the blindside right now and looking at it from an outside perspective.  Strange, out here it doesn’t seem all that complicated.  Yet within it, it feels insurmountable.  The truth it, its not difficult to overcome.

Life has become a quick series of new chapters.  Very short ones, but intense.  They are filled with lessons I could not have imagined and situations that need to be addressed.  Beyond the blindside, I can see and I understand that there are somethings things that a person can not walk through alone.

Written by neomav

September 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Filled versus Full

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I have been on a sort of mini vacation the last couple of weeks, just enjoying the girls and working.  Hey, I did say it was a mini vacation.  To me that means I go to work, do my thing, come home and try to deal with the girls issues, laugh at the goofy things they do (and are also laughing at) and generally put off many of my tasks to provide whatever might be needed in the moment.    Some days I did not have to put off anything, but there were days in which I had to.

My teen had a serious dance with peer pressure, which I am pretty sure is not over.  When is that really ever over?  Inside my heart breaks because she has friends making some very poor choices which will have a lasting effect on their lives and relationships in the future.  I try my best to encourage honesty.

Everyone has their issues, including teenagers.  Life is never ideal, nor is it fair.  However, we seemingly have been blessed enough to be able to make our own choices.  Many peoples lack this gift, and it is a gift.  American children seemingly do not understand why they have the ability to make choices to do the things they do and simply take the American lifestyle for granted.  After all, in their minds we all “deserve” it as a basic right.

Kat has some friends that have a very difficult time in appreciating what they have, where it came from and why it is there.  Pretty much these friends come from families that can afford the activities such as horse back riding, dancing, singing lessons, and other such type activities that have a huge price tag to them.  They do not have the understanding that someone worked hard for their smart iphone or droid powered phones and to provide them with opportunities and experiences many other kids around them will never have the opportunity to have or do.  Each of them have lives that are very full.  Many activities and many opportunities to stray without a parent realizing it.

That had me realize what a blessing I have in my children.  They are no different in the fact that they each have lives that are very full with activities that showcase their talents and desires.  We have singing, running, playing instruments and poi.  All perform at some level.  They are artistic and inquisitive, almost to a point that can be dangerous.  They desire to understand their friends.  Yet, they take the time to eventually talk to me about what is going on in their lives or to come clean with something that they may feel really guilty about.

It scares me sometimes.  My heart skips a beat, but it lead me to wonder, why it is not so for their friends.  What is the difference?  What makes a teenager feel compelled to talk to a parent when all of their friends are telling them not to do so?  Ironically, in this situation, it was not something terribly bad per sea, but could eventually lead to a walk on the wrong side of the fence based upon where these friends are walking in life.  So what makes one teen want to talk to their parents and another hides everything from their parents at all cost until things are too late?

Our children lead very full lives, but I think the answer is what we feed them and what we fill them with.  If all of my responses are based with anger and resentment each time an issue appears, am I filling that child with anger and resentment?  Am I teaching them to strike out as their first response action to a situation that is alarming?

If I listen, even if my face shows concern or shock, and ask questions to fully understand what they are trying to tell me and where their understanding sits, am I teaching them to listen and process?  If I can remain calm and take a deep breath, even walk away for a moment, will they learn those coping skills?  And when I lecture (which I do by the way), will they learn to lecture?  Will they somehow be able to take all different pieces of information and put it together to create a whole picture?

And at the end when I tell them that I love them, when I reassure them what is going on in my mind and how I feel, do they learn to honestly express themselves?  Do I just provide them with a full life and do whatever I need to skate by the moment as a check it off the list to do item or do I take the time to consider and choose to fill them up with compassion, mercy, love and reason?

I am a far cry from a perfect parent and my children are a far cry from perfect children.  The truth is, none of us have achieved perfection in anything.  This to me is not a bad thing, because it is an impossibility.  However, I want to be and hope to be a parent that my children can come talk to no matter the situation and feel comfortable with doing so.  I do not want to be their best friends.  I simply want to be their mom and the best mom that I can be for them.

I have to work more on the filling and not worry or focus on the pressures from the full.  They need to understand that we make choices everyday.  They will make poor choices.  What then?  They need to know what to do after a poor choice, just as well as what to do after a good one.  They need to understand and feel compassion.  They need to understand life without condemnation sitting at the door all of the time.  Fear is the biggest reason I see for teenagers today.  They fear parents will be angry.  They know we will be angry.  They fear our disappointment.  This isn’t to say to not be angry, but to say that our response and how we display that anger can have a long lasting affect on how they in turn respond to those around them during the same moments.

We forget that they still learn the same way they did when they were babies.  They mimic what they see.  They mimic what they hear.  Not all of it is from home.  Some of it is from television, the internet, school, friends, teachers, family friends and neighbors.  But they do also mimic parents.  I hope to be one that fills them with something of substance that can serve them well, enrich their lives and the lives of those around them for all their years.  Not simply a moment.

Written by neomav

June 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Enter a New Dawn

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Recently, I had written in Opening Pandora’s Box, the feelings I have held in regard to a project that will put me out there.  It is nerve wracking and brings up within me every insecure feeling I could possibly muster.  Phase I of this project is now completed with its basic website design.  You can check it out at Once Darkness.  The blog is just getting started.  I have uploaded the website this evening.

I used a template because I wanted to focus my work on the graphics.  They may not seem like much, but they still consumed a good bit of time nonetheless.  Making sure the links worked was another matter.  My mini adventures was on the website’s upload.  For the life of me, I could not figure out why the graphics were not loading.  O.o It was very frustrating, only to find out that the ftp failed on the image files.  The simplest issue to solve and I was there checking the css code, making sure references were stated correctly and verifying that I had created the graphics in the right format.  My paralyzed hand sometimes gives me renegade clicks, which it did on the ftp server side image folder.  The image folder screamed at me that it had nothing to show me…that is when bells went off.

At any rate, there it is and I am now holding my breath.  Tomorrow I start on content creation.  I have so much sitting in wait to write up and walk through.  Here is to hoping and trusting in God, because this was and has always been His idea.  I would prefer to sit in a corner somewhere and just listen, watch and nod my head a few times.  Now we will be cutting to the core of my being.  Uncomfortably close, where it will hurt when others feel angered or bothered.  We are funny that way in our humanity.  I read some things that get me so disgusted and angry at times.  This is based on one of those topics that people get those strong feelings with, but if it inspires or helps just one person, I have to say, it will be well worth it.

I will still be blogging here.  This blog is more for my renegade thoughts, my feelings and the crazy things that I do as I work through things in the single mom world.  Once Darkness may be written mostly by myself, but for the most part, it should apply to everyone and hopefully encourage everyone.  It is the start of a new dawn and I pray and hope.  Not for anything in particular.  I just pray and hope.  😀

Written by neomav

June 5, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Racing Time to the Finish Line

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I was expecting a small lull at least after school was over for me for the semester, but there is so much to get done between work and home, that I feel like I am doing nothing more then racing time to get to that finish line.  I have to admit, I am rather disappointed in myself at the lack of organization.  I know I can do much better.  Yet, there is this rebellion in me that just wants a moment without a worry.  Many of my friends wonder why I play games or run in virtual worlds like Second Life.  Well this would be it.  Those are my ways of taking a break from the serious responsibilities in the day.

Do not get me wrong.  I am not complaining.  I do love my life and am very content with things overall.  Much of what I have to complain and whine about is futile and minor.  Very minor.  I am a single parent and despite the odds, my girls have proven to be actually quite normal.  You can compare them against what is constituted to be normal families and will find they fare pretty well.  From a single parents perspective that is a good thing.  When issues are the result of the lack of having the other parent in their every day life, you have to be creative.  It is tough being the mom and the dad, the student and the provider.

Teaching through experience training is painful, but I would rather they learn when in the home.  So my house is a continuum of constant flux, chaos and disaster.  Dishes, laundry and trash are regular battles to be won on a moment by moment basis.  Constant vigilance to prevent familial manipulations, to teach them to recognize it and to restrain from doing it is exhausting.  Once someone can recognize it does not take long to be tempted to engage in order to obtain something of desire.  It is human nature.  If it were not, the laws we have in place would not exist.  People have a difficult time behaving in general.  We are wild, crazy and constantly in a flux of change in our development.

Put this together with the elders in my life further down the road, experiencing things I have yet to experience.  The days of their youth behind them, their wisdom dancing about for people my age to chase down and attempt to catch and the constant struggle to determine which parts of that wisdom is useful to life for today.

If I could pause time for a moment, I could just breathe and organize.  A silent piece of time to work through everything and put it in its place.  But life with children means nothing ever is in its place.  Everything is explored, touched, manipulated, moved, analyzed and learned.  This is how one knows their life is truly good.  For a window of time where everything is perfect simply exists within the imagination and to have it may not be a great idea.  Still, even a portion of the organizing would be lovely.

This isn’t something I want others to do for me.  Just something I need to do for myself.  I feel out of sync with things and people.  Its like trying to travel in the same direction as everyone, but backwards.  I just need a small moment to turn around.  I may be walking in the right direction, but I do not feel like I am facing in the direction I am walking.  I keep expecting to be suddenly turned into a giant salt lick for the continual looking back.  But its not a look, its a stance in backward motion.  My big question is – how did I get so turned around anyway.  I am like that one shirt in the laundry that you take out to fold and you have to figure out how to undo all the twists in order to place it in order.  Call me the giant puzzle piece, the pandora’s box or simply that place where everything conflicted seemingly meets in the middle.  It is a job to put it all into some semblance of an order.

Still trying to catch up to promises and tasks and projects that need to be completed.  The major one at work that has sucked two weeks out of every task I need to do will be done soon and I can proceed to catch back up at work.  Crazy!  I have no choice.  I love life.  Boredom is an impossibility where I stand.

Written by neomav

May 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

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