The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Posts Tagged ‘emotions

Awe Inspired Stumbling

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We sometimes take for granted that life is filled with luxuries or those things we feel are necessary, but in reality are nothing more than a nice to have.  I always have to giggle a bit as to where God has placed me in life.

I stand with one foot rubbing shoulders with the wealthy.  Their lives filled with fine clothes, decent cars, the ultimate in television entertainment, gadgets and technology to make any geek or geekette drool for ages to come and access to pretty much any whim that strikes them.

My other foot rubs shoulders with the working poor.  By contrast they are washing clothes by hand in their tubs, public access television is the only available channel, radio is the big thing there, internet is accessed at friends or family member’s houses, the cars do not always work when you need them and sometimes its a tough choice to go to the doctor when needed or wait it out because there are other bills that need to be paid.

Neither set of my friends are discontent with their lives.  I always imagined that those that were very wealthy would have huge holes of loneliness embedded in their lives.  The truth is that loneliness can happen to someone regardless.  For those that were poor I had always though that there was a feeling of being without.  The truth is, its hard to feel without something if you have never had it to start with.

It took me a while to understand that issues and problems are known, felt and experienced at every level, by every person, at any age.  Wealth has nothing to do with it.  It may affect the type of issues and problems, but not always.  Neither is better off than the other.

I listened as one of my friends told me a series of events that were happening in the life of his family and himself.  While he has considerable more money than I have, his problems and issues are not fewer than mine.  In fact, in many cases, his issues and problems are extremely similar to mine.  It doesn’t matter that his house is bigger or that he has money to satisfy any and every whim.  The pressures and stress of life are honestly not very different than what I experience.

Life happens to everyone that opens their eyes at the start of their day, that draws in a breath and is here another day, by the grace of God’s hand.  We are the fortunate and blessed.  We have another day and another opportunity.

This life is awe inspired in an awkward sort of way.  We bumble and trip and stumble on the road as we walk our paths in life.  Each of us learning something, and not always the right something.  Life is a series of awe inspired stumblings.  Somehow, somewhere in that walk, God manages to reach us.  We manage to find truth, even if its just for a moment.  And we repeat this over and over again, each time able to hold onto the truths of life that much longer.

I hope in my life that I can be awe inspired and awe inspire others with each step no matter how silly or crazy those steps can be.  I do not want to be just another person trying to survive the day in this world.  I want to be someone filled with awe, inspired by the very essence of life.  I do not care if I stumble as I go, but just that I am able to go and be that which was intended of me to be.

Tonight I sit and write.  I should be studying for exams and taking my Real Estate law class exam online.  My teen is sick and sleeping just a few feet from me.  Concentration is not my thing tonight and it is not that worry eats at my heart.  God is here.  My heart hurts that she has to endure the pains of illness even for a moment.  Even though, in some crazy way, it potentially is good for her, as it brings a reality about that every day even though good, can have moments that do not feel so great.

Yet we are not abandoned.  It is truly good.  Life is here, in our home, even with sickness.  So for now we stumble this portion of the road, maybe fall here and there.  Our hearts are still filled ~ we are awe inspired stumbling.

Written by neomav

November 13, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Frustrations in Relationships

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Relationships have a huge impact and are so very important in our daily lives.  A relationship ignored or abandoned may not impact us right away, but it will have a long lasting affect over a long period of time.  In the end it sneaks up and tries to bite everyone.

Sometimes, though, one has to choose to love a person from a distance.  It can be because of abusive personalitites, addicitions, consistent poor life choices or any measure of things that bring about an unhealthy aspect to the relationship.  It is necessary to do, even if everyone around does not understand that fact.

When I was younger, I found my escape from relationships that were very unhealthy.  Had I chosen to keep those relationships in my daily life, right now I would be very lucky if I were able to hold the most basic job.  In fact, I would have the viewpoint that the world owed me.

Many think that simply removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship fixes things.  It doesn’t.  The person leaving the unhealthy relationships has to somehow determine what was unhealthy and avoid relationships with those aspects in them.  They also need to deal with the series of issues that exist deep down after having spent much time living with or involved in unhealthy relationships. 

I had to go through a series of situations and relationships to acutally learn the clues as to what was unhealthy and what was healthy.  I am still learning.  Had I gone to counseling on these issues right out of the gate, perhaps I would have avoided all the marriages I had been involved in.  (Relax – I still do not have Elizabeth Taylor beat!)

Yet there is a more central issue.  Where I place my life to start with!  What is it centered upon.  I know I have mentioned this before, but it truly does play a role.  For instance, if my life is centered upon God and I believe that God created me with a purpose, that He molded me with His hands and shaped me, I cannot deny God’s love for me.  If God loves me, then there is something about me that is essentially good.  Something that is actually lovable.  If God loves me, I need to be able to love me.

Loving oneself has a major thing to do with the choices we make.  If we feel that we are not worthy of something or someone, we ruin it somehow.  We make some choice that hurts those relationships or we simply shut the door.  However, if we feel that we are worthy enough, we run with it.  We tend to it.  We care for it.

The irony here is that one can be hard pressed to say they deserve God’s love.  God loves us anyway and in there is another lesson.  It doesn’t matter if we feel we are worthy enough, we need to love anyway – to include loving ourselves enough to make healthy choices.  Yet, the human side of us makes choices in many cases of of our emotional impulses.  Advertisers know this.  Just take some time to study how they determine what colors to use, what images to associate and which words to use in ads.  They are all geared to draw us through our emotional side.

Therefore it gets frustrating at times.  It is hard enough to make good choices for ourselves.  One has to also deal with the choices that others have made.  After all, we are tallking about relationships.  You need another party to have the relationship.

Our values will have a huge impact on what we understand.  In my life I have ex-husbands.  I do not understand their choices in life and sometimes their choices impact my life in one way or another.  I get frustrated because I cannot validate, understand or justify their choices.

You have to let others make their own choices even if they have an impact on you.  However, you do not have to stay so close as to always be hurt or negatively impacted.  A little distance can keep things healthier and happier in the long run.  Loving from the distance has its value in some cases.

Nevertheless, we will always experience frustration in one way or another.  Just remember that as long as the relationship is healthy and it creates constant positive impacts on life, the frustration is quite all right.  If it is unhealthy and creates a constant negative impact on life, it is a flag for you to take some action.

Written by neomav

October 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Beyond the Blindside

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My last post was made a few moments before I went into one of my classes.  I talked about how I was feeling blindsided and then I had an epiphany, leaving everyone hanging.

Before I continue I want to examine what exactly being blindsided means.  One of the definitions is to be attacked from an unexpected position.  Another is to be caught unprepared.  While I chose the word blindside, I did not realize how true of a statement it was until a bit later.

I have been both unprepared and attacked from unexpected positions.  It has been unrelenting and continuous.  The more it happened the harder it was for me to recover in time for the next round. It was like I could not breath, catch a breath or prepare.  I felt like I was going to be dead meat.

Obstacles cropped up everywhere.  Obstacles appeared in front of everything and even behind me.  I was surrounded.  My mind was at a point that was somewhere between desperation, despair and hope.  Such an odd combination, but I know for a fact that my God isn’t going to let me simply die out, unless I myself choose to do so.  I can have hope, even when I do not know the solution.

I have always worked in positions where I could accumulate a heavy workflow by taking on more and more responsibilities.  I enjoy the pressure for some reason.  I truly think, aside from the fact that I love to learn, that this same thing is why I love college so much.

Yet more things are thrown at me that I did not expect to have to take on, or had not been prepared to deal with due to a lack of knowledge.  New experiences on top of the things going on.  I have struggled, pushed, crawled, cried, engaged in temper tantrums, fits and moments of peace.  I kept going with the idea that somehow I have to manage to do it all.

But I realized the last time that I wrote that I was ignoring something.  I have God.  He has wisdom and He has promised that wisdom to me.  It is accessible, but I have to ask for it.  I do not have to walk alone.  He is with me and He has provided me with many people in my family, at work, in church, online in various places and through out the world to walk with me.  Yet, I had been hiding in my safe place, trying to go it alone and stressing out because suddenly that safe place was under attack.  It was no longer safe.

Needless to say, I tend to stay to myself and come out here and there to chat, talk and communicate.  Then I go back into hiding.  God is not asking me to delegate my job or my school work or my parenting.  In fact, the overwhelming part has been that nothing can truly be delegated.  Even if someone is watching my children, I am ultimately responsible.  No one can do my homework or learning for me.  It isn’t about delegating, its about being supported.

Delegation is when you pass off something to someone else to do. For instance, I delegate the responsibilities of cleaning the cat litter, cleaning the dogs crate, feeding the animals and washing the dishes to my children.  They do it.  I just check to be sure it has been done.

Support is when you complete your tasks, but those around you hold you up, they cheer you on.  They are cheering you on when you start to slow down and feel like you can’t go on.  They are holding you up when you feel like you can no longer stand.  When you reach a point that you feel you can not go on, your support system is there (0r should be) to keep you going.  God is central to that support system.  While it is nice to say that one can support themselves, and at times it may be necessary to exert such determination, it is truly a blessing to be able to rely on others and not have to walk alone.  Its no longer I did it by myself, but I did it by the grace and power of God, by His hand in my life and with the help of those He placed there to keep me going.

It is exciting and scary at the same time.  It is a “Wow” moment for me.  It also requires that I make a true attempt at socializing more versus hiding more.  I was overwhelmed so I hid from every social network, from all those around me and have been flying by the seat of my pants.  Guess what?  It does not work!!  People have to be there.  It is necessary for me to encourage, to fill up, to invest in and to desire friendships with others.  It is important that I have those friendships.  Its not just about them supporting me, but it works the other way around as well.  I need to be there for them too.

Now this is truly uncharted territory for me.  I am not really sure how one does that.  So we are onto the exploration of what does it mean to support a person.  How does one give support and how does one receive support?  Does it enhance the relationships and what are its pitfalls to look out for?  These are questions that I need to answer.

I am standing beyond the blindside right now and looking at it from an outside perspective.  Strange, out here it doesn’t seem all that complicated.  Yet within it, it feels insurmountable.  The truth it, its not difficult to overcome.

Life has become a quick series of new chapters.  Very short ones, but intense.  They are filled with lessons I could not have imagined and situations that need to be addressed.  Beyond the blindside, I can see and I understand that there are somethings things that a person can not walk through alone.

Written by neomav

September 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

The Weekend Plan O Funage

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It is Friday!  The start of a wonderfully busy weekend and that pivotal weekend when the world is suppose to end according to various students of a few methods of thinking.  My response to that, time passes and as it does, we live and breathe until – well we stop.  At that point, we move onto whatever comes next.

I am going to live each day as well as I can.  I will be the person God created me to be and learn through the series of mistakes that I share in common with many other humans doing the same thing on this planet.  Each day my eyes open and I  take a breath is another opportunity for an adventure and I have a hard time believing that it is without purpose.  In fact, I know it is with purpose.

So in true sassy style, I will go about this weekend like any other.  Tonight I will focus on getting my website together, some photography needed for that same website and content creation plans to fill in the portions of the website.  I shall have a live website by Sunday, regardless if all the content is available or not.  The fun with websites is the fact that they are ever developing.  😀

Saturday I have the normal grocery shopping, bill paying and errand running activities coupled with one of my daughters track events.  First thing in the morning I have to mow the lawn and do a few maintenance tasks.  My neighbors will hate and love me in the same instance because of how early I have to get it done.  By the evening, it will be back to content creation and writing with a game or two to de-stress.

Sunday brings about the normal church fun and family time.  A time that carries me through the week.  I need both.  Many might not agree with the church, especially if they categorize it as “religious practice”, but whatever.  What I know is that there is something in the gathering of a people that fill you with encouragement, that cheer you on, that celebrate your successes and cry with you during times of pain.  It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with relationship.  Relationship with fellow members and most importantly a relationship with God.  Just my two cents anyway.

After that it is prep time for the week, getting ready for work, getting the house settled and finishing up any leftover activities.  Its a wind down and a wind up at the same moment in time – where one cycle ends as another starts.

Potentially, my oldest may be arriving this weekend or she may be leaving from her starting location.  Not sure what those plans are/were and if they are being carried out.  Flexibility with this child is key and not something I do well.  That should provide for an interesting visit when she arrives.

Much has changed since the last visit she had here and much has stayed the same.  Many of the changes are actually within myself and what I am willing to deal with in life.  I find that over the past few years, I really am less apt to compromise something that I value.  I used to just toss my values out the window to please others.  I realized that not only was that not healthy, but it also allowed me to get involved with the more abusive and unhealthy relationships.

I simply do not have the time for the drama any more.  Life has to be basic and practical.  Even when it pops in a twist or two for us to experience.  Boundaries need to be stated, need to be clear and need to be respected.  When someone wants to cross or break down your boundaries because they feel they do not or should not be there, it is probably best that you reinforce those particular boundaries until you, yourself have assessed if it is an unhealthy thing or if it is a healthy thing.  Many people have great intentions, but those intentions become harmful as they control the environment of others.

God gave us free will.  That can be a real hardship when it comes down to people doing what ever they want and dishing out the pain.  I was abused as a child by my father in a variety of ways.  Free will.  He did what he wanted.  It was not a good thing, but it crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed.  Yet in the same token, the same man, would give his shirt off his back to protect a friend, feed that friend or care for them to ensure their health and safety.  Free will.  He did what he wanted.  It was a good thing and while it did cross boundaries, it crossed boundaries only after an open invitation to do so.  It was respectful, caring and loving.

This is why I say, simply really take the time to see why someone is wanting boundaries removed.  It is the purpose behind the intention that is far more important than the intention stated.  At any rate, there will be much in adjustment between my oldest and myself.  I know she has had to have changed much since I last saw her as well.  It is another adventure to look forward to in love, patience and compassion.

It will be a great weekend!

Written by neomav

May 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm

A Tad Behind The Eight Ball

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The past few weeks have been slamming!  Someone sent me off in a reckless cart with no brakes going down the steepest hill covered in five inches of solid ice.  Okay, so not really, but it certainly feels like it.

This happens when I get overwhelmed with things and start to hide from the basic responsibilities.  I honestly do not know why I do this, but it is something I do well.  It is like a momentary (or not so momentary) freeze in the brain that suddenly declares that I can’t do this.  Whatever this happens to be.

As a result I go off chasing various butterflies to add to my collection of collections.  Either that or I found a virtual store of Distractions R Us.  Giggles!  Meh – its neither really.  When I get overwhelmed I can’t think and I freeze.  I have to change or adjust my activities for a bit to relieve the stress and prove to myself that everything is fine.

I was talking with one of my Photojournalism classmates last night while we were waiting for things to get going.  There were a few last minute submissions, which is good because these documentaries were our finals.  LOL!  Dave and I were done, so we just sat, drank our coffee and chit chatted about things.  We are the old people in the class.

We talked about how our past can sometimes affect our decision making in the future.  Not that it is an intentional thing, but its a reality.  You can intend on not letting your past hold you back or affect your future.  The reality is, one way or another it will.  Your choice is how you overcome it.

I grew up dealing with various abuses – everything from physical to ritualistic.  The biggie being the ritualistic abuse.  Sometimes I find myself falling into old thinking.  I am what someone else made me to be.  It isn’t true, but it is what I was taught through various means of torturous activity.  It gets difficult sometimes to put the world into perspective, to keep moving and not want to give up or give in.

Fortunately, I am very strong willed and tenacious.  Still that doesn’t stop these momentary lapses of insecurities, poor mental messages and feelings.  It is an attack upon everything that I am doing.  I know that means I am going in the right direction and its time for me to pick up my sword and allow my warrior within do its thing.

The good news, is that in a few weeks school will be over and the battles to fight will be different ones related to familial issues.  There always has to be something.  LOL!  More free time opens up and I will have a chance to get caught up.  In the meantime, please hold on.  The summer will be fun.  😀

Written by neomav

May 4, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Posted in Feelings, Reflection

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The Fifth Day ~ Week One

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Thursday was another long day.  Work, then two classes and really no time to eat in between.  I really was rather distracted most of the day.  Little focus and little breathing.

I drank a wee bit of water.  Intended on bringing tea with me to work and left it on the table instead.  :/  Needless to say, I did not drink the tea.

I did go exercise at the club.  The owner was telling me that it is dead Thursday morning because everyone goes to the Zumba class at night.  This is good for me.  😀 I am not into the crowds.  I like the direct attention and being able to work it without the crowd complex going on around me.

So, what we have learned this week so far is that I am resistant to tea, slowly increasing the water intake, forget to breathe on a regular basis, but by golly we have the exercise thing down!  LOL!  And the plant…its still alive, although, it does need me to water it today.

Written by neomav

April 8, 2011 at 6:31 pm

The Fourth Day ~ Week One

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Wednesday, I was exhausted!  Our Photojournalism Professor kept us late in class to go over a test and to do photo critiques of our action photographs we had to take recently.  It was fun, but it was long.  Okay – let’s restate that.  The critique of the photographs was fun.  The review on the test was not so much. He put a trick question on the test and the test only had three questions.  He used the test to determine if we were doing the assigned reading and the test proved that 95% of the class was not doing the assigned reading.  L

Needless to say, that meant getting home after 11 p.m. and trying to wind down, do a few things and go to bed.  By time I went to sleep it was closing on the midnight hour.  I did not get up to go to the club for my workout.  The alarm in my phone yelled.  I hit the button and it immediately fell quiet.  Back to sleep I went.

I did manage to get the water in!  Yay!  Again, no tea though.  Not sure what the tea block is with me. I used to drink it all the time two years ago.  O.o

Breathing was not even a concept in my mind.  No breathing and we have migrated past the half way mark.  Still, the effort and progress this week was much better than the first try.  I can’t be to terribly upset about it.

Written by neomav

April 8, 2011 at 6:22 pm

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