The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Archive for the ‘Feelings’ Category

Effects of College on My Mind

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I find my mind twisted these past days.  I am painfully influenced by all of the various reading required in school.  While I can not push my mind past the images that float within it, I still try to dismiss the poetic songs that are left intertwined with my everyday thoughts.

It is like babble floating within the very cells of my brain.  I wonder, often, if this is how one experiences changes.  I know that each piece of knowledge, each piece of reading, every segment of every lecture is somehow being categorized, recorded and stored in the dark recesses of various areas of my brain.  The sad thing, is this is the true actual reality and I fully understand it.  I do not mean that to sound badly.  It is just, that is actually what is happening on a deeply cellular level and this is something I truly do understand.  The curse of being overly curious about the way to increase intelligence brought me to a few books that intentionally described the very process of learning.  It was strangely interesting and completely unforgettable.

Having spent the last few weeks rushing about with the start of the semester, trying to grasp the subject matter, which in some cases is a struggle, I am buckling under the physical call of tiredness.  Each semester seems to be easier on some points and harder on others.  I think I need to stop looking at the long road, that has seven more years of dancing with this college lifestyle and break it down into more agreeable portions.  Still, I can not help but to look down the road.  My goal is taunting me like one teases a dog with a treat.

I have three semesters left to claim the two Associates degrees that I have been working on.  I would have finished with this semester, had I not realized the lack of classes that would transfer to the four year college.  It is a smart decision and I do not feel sorrow for chasing down the Paralegal Studies.  The lawyers that had warned me that it was useless to do at this point, understood the base requirements for getting to the final goal quickly.  Instead, because of work, I chose to chase down the Paralegal side of life.  It does not really gather me much in prestige, nor will the degree grant me much in a way of a promotion.  In fact, the irony is, if they change my title to a paralegal, it is in fact a demotion from what I am currently titled.  Hopefully, that does not happen.

Even still, even if it does add an extra year to get to the law degree, I think that it is worth it.  I have come to realize the subject matter sets a solid foundation for those years to come.  Practically speaking, I will know the law from two sides of the equation.  One of the working class laborer, who assists the lawyers with various tasks as required and one of the lawyer,  brand new and inept at the very practice of law.  Many do not realize baby lawyers actually have little experience in the application of law.  They have plenty of practice in the theory of law.

It is a long road.  My youngest will have graduated from high school before I finish.  My oldest will more than likely graduate with her Associates Degree before I do.  My middle one will be part way through establishing her own independence as she traverses the college scene.  I wonder at the impact that my dance with education will have on them.  Is it a good influence upon them for their mother to entertain this level of education right now?  I am not sure at times.  It takes me out of the home for classes three nights during the week.  That is less attention and observation that I can provide to them.

We have already discovered that too much independence wreaks havoc with my two youngest.  Buckling under the pressure, they redefined the rules of the house to pretty much do whatever pleases themselves.  It was very displeasing to me.  I actually spent the last month getting the house back to a decent sense of stability.  Parent jail if you will call it.  Probably a topic for its very own blog.  Nevertheless, it was a very time consuming and tedious process that I truly wish was not necessary.  My two youngest are thriving again, but miserable that they lost the wondrous freedom they have enjoyed over the past three semesters.  The first two they were reasonable.  For some reason, this last one, they strayed a little too far.  It was not comfortable and has created havoc with their very beings, though they would attempt to convince you differently.

Now that things are back to an orderly way, I can start progressing on the goals I had established for myself.  A month late, but sometimes it is worth it to stop and deal with the items that can grow into insurmountable obstacles before they truly take root.  I am excited, but totally exhausted.

I apologize for the difference in writing style.  I, unfortunately, am easily influenced by the things I have to read in school.  My English Literature class is sending my senses buzzing and dancing in ways it had not, since I was a teenager in high school.  Old dreams are flashing in front of me and I am tempted to grab them as I travel this educational voyage, but I have to weigh the effects of such a choice.  Philosophy is fighting against the practical everyday portion of my being.  I am processing the information, understanding it and amazed, but kicking and screaming every step of the way.  Sociology is painful, almost like a salt filled wound.  My mind eases when I am privileged to read and go to the Probate Law and Litigation classes.  They appeal to my senses, are practical, useful and real.

All of it together gets mixed and I can not help but be influenced.  This semester ends in May, so just hang in there with me.  The poetic and dramatic styling that seems to have awakened is actually the way I used to write years ago, before life beat me with experience and time was used as a throttle.  I have no idea if it will stay or if I will bounce between the two.  Maybe they will merge and become something completely unique.  This, in and of itself, is a curious adventure.  At any rate, I am back and I hoped you missed me.

Written by neomav

February 4, 2012 at 12:52 am

And So It Starts

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The first morning of the new year has rolled in, expected and ready to provide adventures. Today is a new day, just like everyday we wake up to see, but today is one of 12 firsts during the year and it’s the first of the firsts.

All over people are holding a bit of inspiration to make changes to a something or a series of somethings in their lives. They will start with all the determination and motivation they can muster. Within a month, they fall back to their old patterns, simply because they fully believe they can make these changes on their own power. While it is true that you are not going to change unless you are ready, it is also true that you are not going to do it alone. See something substantial in your life has to change. There has to be a reason that means more to you than you do that drives you. For some it is the fear of death. For others the fear of God. Still there are even some that respond to the unexplainable compassion they find within someone that gives them the last opportunity when everyone else has long given up. Or it may be as simple as another person giving one permission to choose to be different. That may sound silly, but in some cases it is the hold up.

I am not an expert at anything really. Maybe an expert at making poor choices and learning to live with and do something with them. It has been a hard and difficult life. My adult life is thousands times better than those years of my teens. While I appreciate the people in my life from my past sometimes it can be a struggle, because they are reminders of those things that happened that we’re not right. The silent abuse that my sister and I were enduring at my fathers hand constantly pops into those memories. Yet it is a few of my friends from that time period that have kept me accountable to the goals that I have set for myself. They believe that I can do what my heart desires.

This past year has brought me in touch with a decent size group of friends from my childhood that are cheering me on with my education. They do not care what the obstacles are in front of me, the demons I contend with as I walk the journey or how impossible it seems to be. They simply believe that I can achieve.

My church family will pray for me, that if it’s God’s will, then those doors are open and I will accomplish the task at hand. They do not worry about my personal abilities. In fact, they do not care if I can or can not. They know that if God desires it and I am willing, it will be so. No science degree needed.

Thus I am reminded as we start the first day of this new year, that on my own, alone, I can accomplish very little. Each person praying and each person believing is walking with me. Every friend that tells me to get back to studying, that gives me something to push for and that has given me permission is holding my hand. God is holding all of our hands together.

I can not say where everything will end up or what the outcome will be. I know the journey itself is as much importance as the end of the journey. All this to simply say, realize today that you are not going to do it alone. Your motivation has to be bigger than yourself and more important than you. Even simple changes have large effects at their end. A one degree change may not seem like much at the beginning, but keep walking down the road and you soon find yourself miles away from where you were, not even on the same road you used to walk.

Different roads have different rules. The old you no longer applies, the old thinking has to fade away, otherwise you stop walking and end up running back to where you started from. Those around you help to keep you focused, help to keep you on the right path and constantly uplifted. Even if you seemingly stand alone each day, anything with God’s hand in it guarantees you that you are not alone. Regardless if there is a person placed there or God alone, you are not doing it by yourself, on your own strength or determination.

And so it starts, the new day. The light has draped the lands, exposing a new Sunday. How appropriate that it is the start of a new week, the start of a new year and a new month all in one. I hope this year is the year of accomplishments, that the impossible becomes possible and everyone is filled with awe and excitement each step of the way. I look forward to the day. Off I go to take a shower, wake the girls and get ready for the first church day of the year. There are treasures waiting for me today and I intend to collect them all. I am going to be greedy and will take every blessing that God allows me to have and to take those that were given to my family long ago. No stone will be left untouched. I am greedy for those treasure for they hold what I need most to walk the journey, accomplish the things required and desired. Today is an awesome adventure and I am blessed that my family and friend are with me. Let’s do it!

And Here is 2012!

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Giggling girls, over tired from waiting for the new year to roll in are sitting on my floor.  One started the new year by sliding, slipping and landing on her back on the floor.  CRASH!  We all jumped.  She starts laughing and it gets contagious.  The youngest had ran off to bed just a few seconds before.  The two oldest giggling and laughing.

This followed by a BANG outside.  No storm is brewing.  It is nice outside.  Just a tad bit nippy, but nice nevertheless.  Someone is setting off fireworks.  You can say our home is filled with joy.  The first moments of our new year were celebrated with prayer, cheers, laughter, washing dishes and the first fall of the family.  If we can go through this year able to laugh when we fall, able to joyfully learn the lessons presented before us and in awe of the blessings that come our way – life will be more than good.  It will be awesome.

The clock starts now.  My oldest is starting an attempt at vegan.  I am starting an attempt at training towards a 5K.  The new year dances in and I am excitedly ready for bed.  Not to sleep, but to get started.  To take a new beginning and run with it!

So off I run to sleep, wishing you a happy new year filled with blessings and treasures.  May this be the best year we have lived so far.

Written by neomav

January 1, 2012 at 12:22 am

Posturing

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I was driving home from my Mom’s house tonight, my body tired and my mental state excited. As I was driving home, I had developed a pain in the back of my neck. It really hurt! My mind was wandering from one topic to another while trying to figure out where and why I had developed this pain. All I knew was that it had to stop.

I had taken one of the corners and passed a gas station. I sat up nice and straight. I am not sure why I chose to sit up straight. There was nothing in particular to see or do. At that moment I was a bit shocked. My neck was hurting because my posture was terrible. I let my body curl over itself. I had to lift my head up high to see. Driving in that position was not doing me favors. The worst of it was that I had not realized I had this incredibly bad posturing until I had actually sat up straight.

Now some may call me silly, but it did get me thinking about how many other areas in life that my posturing may be off. The poor posturing did not make me drive slower or faster. It had no affect on my driving, but it certainly was having a painful affect on me. Eventually, I am sure it would have created issues with my driving.

How many places in my life do I do this? This is something I really have to examine. Do I do it only when I am tired or when I am feeling lazy? Posture is important. How one stands, holds themselves and presents themselves is, in fact, a presentation to the world as well as yourself. No one else gets a cramp if I position myself incorrectly. Just me. If my posturing improved, can it be that my self confidence will also?

Written by neomav

December 30, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Awe Inspired Stumbling

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We sometimes take for granted that life is filled with luxuries or those things we feel are necessary, but in reality are nothing more than a nice to have.  I always have to giggle a bit as to where God has placed me in life.

I stand with one foot rubbing shoulders with the wealthy.  Their lives filled with fine clothes, decent cars, the ultimate in television entertainment, gadgets and technology to make any geek or geekette drool for ages to come and access to pretty much any whim that strikes them.

My other foot rubs shoulders with the working poor.  By contrast they are washing clothes by hand in their tubs, public access television is the only available channel, radio is the big thing there, internet is accessed at friends or family member’s houses, the cars do not always work when you need them and sometimes its a tough choice to go to the doctor when needed or wait it out because there are other bills that need to be paid.

Neither set of my friends are discontent with their lives.  I always imagined that those that were very wealthy would have huge holes of loneliness embedded in their lives.  The truth is that loneliness can happen to someone regardless.  For those that were poor I had always though that there was a feeling of being without.  The truth is, its hard to feel without something if you have never had it to start with.

It took me a while to understand that issues and problems are known, felt and experienced at every level, by every person, at any age.  Wealth has nothing to do with it.  It may affect the type of issues and problems, but not always.  Neither is better off than the other.

I listened as one of my friends told me a series of events that were happening in the life of his family and himself.  While he has considerable more money than I have, his problems and issues are not fewer than mine.  In fact, in many cases, his issues and problems are extremely similar to mine.  It doesn’t matter that his house is bigger or that he has money to satisfy any and every whim.  The pressures and stress of life are honestly not very different than what I experience.

Life happens to everyone that opens their eyes at the start of their day, that draws in a breath and is here another day, by the grace of God’s hand.  We are the fortunate and blessed.  We have another day and another opportunity.

This life is awe inspired in an awkward sort of way.  We bumble and trip and stumble on the road as we walk our paths in life.  Each of us learning something, and not always the right something.  Life is a series of awe inspired stumblings.  Somehow, somewhere in that walk, God manages to reach us.  We manage to find truth, even if its just for a moment.  And we repeat this over and over again, each time able to hold onto the truths of life that much longer.

I hope in my life that I can be awe inspired and awe inspire others with each step no matter how silly or crazy those steps can be.  I do not want to be just another person trying to survive the day in this world.  I want to be someone filled with awe, inspired by the very essence of life.  I do not care if I stumble as I go, but just that I am able to go and be that which was intended of me to be.

Tonight I sit and write.  I should be studying for exams and taking my Real Estate law class exam online.  My teen is sick and sleeping just a few feet from me.  Concentration is not my thing tonight and it is not that worry eats at my heart.  God is here.  My heart hurts that she has to endure the pains of illness even for a moment.  Even though, in some crazy way, it potentially is good for her, as it brings a reality about that every day even though good, can have moments that do not feel so great.

Yet we are not abandoned.  It is truly good.  Life is here, in our home, even with sickness.  So for now we stumble this portion of the road, maybe fall here and there.  Our hearts are still filled ~ we are awe inspired stumbling.

Written by neomav

November 13, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Frustrations in Relationships

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Relationships have a huge impact and are so very important in our daily lives.  A relationship ignored or abandoned may not impact us right away, but it will have a long lasting affect over a long period of time.  In the end it sneaks up and tries to bite everyone.

Sometimes, though, one has to choose to love a person from a distance.  It can be because of abusive personalitites, addicitions, consistent poor life choices or any measure of things that bring about an unhealthy aspect to the relationship.  It is necessary to do, even if everyone around does not understand that fact.

When I was younger, I found my escape from relationships that were very unhealthy.  Had I chosen to keep those relationships in my daily life, right now I would be very lucky if I were able to hold the most basic job.  In fact, I would have the viewpoint that the world owed me.

Many think that simply removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship fixes things.  It doesn’t.  The person leaving the unhealthy relationships has to somehow determine what was unhealthy and avoid relationships with those aspects in them.  They also need to deal with the series of issues that exist deep down after having spent much time living with or involved in unhealthy relationships. 

I had to go through a series of situations and relationships to acutally learn the clues as to what was unhealthy and what was healthy.  I am still learning.  Had I gone to counseling on these issues right out of the gate, perhaps I would have avoided all the marriages I had been involved in.  (Relax – I still do not have Elizabeth Taylor beat!)

Yet there is a more central issue.  Where I place my life to start with!  What is it centered upon.  I know I have mentioned this before, but it truly does play a role.  For instance, if my life is centered upon God and I believe that God created me with a purpose, that He molded me with His hands and shaped me, I cannot deny God’s love for me.  If God loves me, then there is something about me that is essentially good.  Something that is actually lovable.  If God loves me, I need to be able to love me.

Loving oneself has a major thing to do with the choices we make.  If we feel that we are not worthy of something or someone, we ruin it somehow.  We make some choice that hurts those relationships or we simply shut the door.  However, if we feel that we are worthy enough, we run with it.  We tend to it.  We care for it.

The irony here is that one can be hard pressed to say they deserve God’s love.  God loves us anyway and in there is another lesson.  It doesn’t matter if we feel we are worthy enough, we need to love anyway – to include loving ourselves enough to make healthy choices.  Yet, the human side of us makes choices in many cases of of our emotional impulses.  Advertisers know this.  Just take some time to study how they determine what colors to use, what images to associate and which words to use in ads.  They are all geared to draw us through our emotional side.

Therefore it gets frustrating at times.  It is hard enough to make good choices for ourselves.  One has to also deal with the choices that others have made.  After all, we are tallking about relationships.  You need another party to have the relationship.

Our values will have a huge impact on what we understand.  In my life I have ex-husbands.  I do not understand their choices in life and sometimes their choices impact my life in one way or another.  I get frustrated because I cannot validate, understand or justify their choices.

You have to let others make their own choices even if they have an impact on you.  However, you do not have to stay so close as to always be hurt or negatively impacted.  A little distance can keep things healthier and happier in the long run.  Loving from the distance has its value in some cases.

Nevertheless, we will always experience frustration in one way or another.  Just remember that as long as the relationship is healthy and it creates constant positive impacts on life, the frustration is quite all right.  If it is unhealthy and creates a constant negative impact on life, it is a flag for you to take some action.

Written by neomav

October 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Beyond the Blindside

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My last post was made a few moments before I went into one of my classes.  I talked about how I was feeling blindsided and then I had an epiphany, leaving everyone hanging.

Before I continue I want to examine what exactly being blindsided means.  One of the definitions is to be attacked from an unexpected position.  Another is to be caught unprepared.  While I chose the word blindside, I did not realize how true of a statement it was until a bit later.

I have been both unprepared and attacked from unexpected positions.  It has been unrelenting and continuous.  The more it happened the harder it was for me to recover in time for the next round. It was like I could not breath, catch a breath or prepare.  I felt like I was going to be dead meat.

Obstacles cropped up everywhere.  Obstacles appeared in front of everything and even behind me.  I was surrounded.  My mind was at a point that was somewhere between desperation, despair and hope.  Such an odd combination, but I know for a fact that my God isn’t going to let me simply die out, unless I myself choose to do so.  I can have hope, even when I do not know the solution.

I have always worked in positions where I could accumulate a heavy workflow by taking on more and more responsibilities.  I enjoy the pressure for some reason.  I truly think, aside from the fact that I love to learn, that this same thing is why I love college so much.

Yet more things are thrown at me that I did not expect to have to take on, or had not been prepared to deal with due to a lack of knowledge.  New experiences on top of the things going on.  I have struggled, pushed, crawled, cried, engaged in temper tantrums, fits and moments of peace.  I kept going with the idea that somehow I have to manage to do it all.

But I realized the last time that I wrote that I was ignoring something.  I have God.  He has wisdom and He has promised that wisdom to me.  It is accessible, but I have to ask for it.  I do not have to walk alone.  He is with me and He has provided me with many people in my family, at work, in church, online in various places and through out the world to walk with me.  Yet, I had been hiding in my safe place, trying to go it alone and stressing out because suddenly that safe place was under attack.  It was no longer safe.

Needless to say, I tend to stay to myself and come out here and there to chat, talk and communicate.  Then I go back into hiding.  God is not asking me to delegate my job or my school work or my parenting.  In fact, the overwhelming part has been that nothing can truly be delegated.  Even if someone is watching my children, I am ultimately responsible.  No one can do my homework or learning for me.  It isn’t about delegating, its about being supported.

Delegation is when you pass off something to someone else to do. For instance, I delegate the responsibilities of cleaning the cat litter, cleaning the dogs crate, feeding the animals and washing the dishes to my children.  They do it.  I just check to be sure it has been done.

Support is when you complete your tasks, but those around you hold you up, they cheer you on.  They are cheering you on when you start to slow down and feel like you can’t go on.  They are holding you up when you feel like you can no longer stand.  When you reach a point that you feel you can not go on, your support system is there (0r should be) to keep you going.  God is central to that support system.  While it is nice to say that one can support themselves, and at times it may be necessary to exert such determination, it is truly a blessing to be able to rely on others and not have to walk alone.  Its no longer I did it by myself, but I did it by the grace and power of God, by His hand in my life and with the help of those He placed there to keep me going.

It is exciting and scary at the same time.  It is a “Wow” moment for me.  It also requires that I make a true attempt at socializing more versus hiding more.  I was overwhelmed so I hid from every social network, from all those around me and have been flying by the seat of my pants.  Guess what?  It does not work!!  People have to be there.  It is necessary for me to encourage, to fill up, to invest in and to desire friendships with others.  It is important that I have those friendships.  Its not just about them supporting me, but it works the other way around as well.  I need to be there for them too.

Now this is truly uncharted territory for me.  I am not really sure how one does that.  So we are onto the exploration of what does it mean to support a person.  How does one give support and how does one receive support?  Does it enhance the relationships and what are its pitfalls to look out for?  These are questions that I need to answer.

I am standing beyond the blindside right now and looking at it from an outside perspective.  Strange, out here it doesn’t seem all that complicated.  Yet within it, it feels insurmountable.  The truth it, its not difficult to overcome.

Life has become a quick series of new chapters.  Very short ones, but intense.  They are filled with lessons I could not have imagined and situations that need to be addressed.  Beyond the blindside, I can see and I understand that there are somethings things that a person can not walk through alone.

Written by neomav

September 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

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