The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

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And So It Starts

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The first morning of the new year has rolled in, expected and ready to provide adventures. Today is a new day, just like everyday we wake up to see, but today is one of 12 firsts during the year and it’s the first of the firsts.

All over people are holding a bit of inspiration to make changes to a something or a series of somethings in their lives. They will start with all the determination and motivation they can muster. Within a month, they fall back to their old patterns, simply because they fully believe they can make these changes on their own power. While it is true that you are not going to change unless you are ready, it is also true that you are not going to do it alone. See something substantial in your life has to change. There has to be a reason that means more to you than you do that drives you. For some it is the fear of death. For others the fear of God. Still there are even some that respond to the unexplainable compassion they find within someone that gives them the last opportunity when everyone else has long given up. Or it may be as simple as another person giving one permission to choose to be different. That may sound silly, but in some cases it is the hold up.

I am not an expert at anything really. Maybe an expert at making poor choices and learning to live with and do something with them. It has been a hard and difficult life. My adult life is thousands times better than those years of my teens. While I appreciate the people in my life from my past sometimes it can be a struggle, because they are reminders of those things that happened that we’re not right. The silent abuse that my sister and I were enduring at my fathers hand constantly pops into those memories. Yet it is a few of my friends from that time period that have kept me accountable to the goals that I have set for myself. They believe that I can do what my heart desires.

This past year has brought me in touch with a decent size group of friends from my childhood that are cheering me on with my education. They do not care what the obstacles are in front of me, the demons I contend with as I walk the journey or how impossible it seems to be. They simply believe that I can achieve.

My church family will pray for me, that if it’s God’s will, then those doors are open and I will accomplish the task at hand. They do not worry about my personal abilities. In fact, they do not care if I can or can not. They know that if God desires it and I am willing, it will be so. No science degree needed.

Thus I am reminded as we start the first day of this new year, that on my own, alone, I can accomplish very little. Each person praying and each person believing is walking with me. Every friend that tells me to get back to studying, that gives me something to push for and that has given me permission is holding my hand. God is holding all of our hands together.

I can not say where everything will end up or what the outcome will be. I know the journey itself is as much importance as the end of the journey. All this to simply say, realize today that you are not going to do it alone. Your motivation has to be bigger than yourself and more important than you. Even simple changes have large effects at their end. A one degree change may not seem like much at the beginning, but keep walking down the road and you soon find yourself miles away from where you were, not even on the same road you used to walk.

Different roads have different rules. The old you no longer applies, the old thinking has to fade away, otherwise you stop walking and end up running back to where you started from. Those around you help to keep you focused, help to keep you on the right path and constantly uplifted. Even if you seemingly stand alone each day, anything with God’s hand in it guarantees you that you are not alone. Regardless if there is a person placed there or God alone, you are not doing it by yourself, on your own strength or determination.

And so it starts, the new day. The light has draped the lands, exposing a new Sunday. How appropriate that it is the start of a new week, the start of a new year and a new month all in one. I hope this year is the year of accomplishments, that the impossible becomes possible and everyone is filled with awe and excitement each step of the way. I look forward to the day. Off I go to take a shower, wake the girls and get ready for the first church day of the year. There are treasures waiting for me today and I intend to collect them all. I am going to be greedy and will take every blessing that God allows me to have and to take those that were given to my family long ago. No stone will be left untouched. I am greedy for those treasure for they hold what I need most to walk the journey, accomplish the things required and desired. Today is an awesome adventure and I am blessed that my family and friend are with me. Let’s do it!

Beyond the Blindside

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My last post was made a few moments before I went into one of my classes.  I talked about how I was feeling blindsided and then I had an epiphany, leaving everyone hanging.

Before I continue I want to examine what exactly being blindsided means.  One of the definitions is to be attacked from an unexpected position.  Another is to be caught unprepared.  While I chose the word blindside, I did not realize how true of a statement it was until a bit later.

I have been both unprepared and attacked from unexpected positions.  It has been unrelenting and continuous.  The more it happened the harder it was for me to recover in time for the next round. It was like I could not breath, catch a breath or prepare.  I felt like I was going to be dead meat.

Obstacles cropped up everywhere.  Obstacles appeared in front of everything and even behind me.  I was surrounded.  My mind was at a point that was somewhere between desperation, despair and hope.  Such an odd combination, but I know for a fact that my God isn’t going to let me simply die out, unless I myself choose to do so.  I can have hope, even when I do not know the solution.

I have always worked in positions where I could accumulate a heavy workflow by taking on more and more responsibilities.  I enjoy the pressure for some reason.  I truly think, aside from the fact that I love to learn, that this same thing is why I love college so much.

Yet more things are thrown at me that I did not expect to have to take on, or had not been prepared to deal with due to a lack of knowledge.  New experiences on top of the things going on.  I have struggled, pushed, crawled, cried, engaged in temper tantrums, fits and moments of peace.  I kept going with the idea that somehow I have to manage to do it all.

But I realized the last time that I wrote that I was ignoring something.  I have God.  He has wisdom and He has promised that wisdom to me.  It is accessible, but I have to ask for it.  I do not have to walk alone.  He is with me and He has provided me with many people in my family, at work, in church, online in various places and through out the world to walk with me.  Yet, I had been hiding in my safe place, trying to go it alone and stressing out because suddenly that safe place was under attack.  It was no longer safe.

Needless to say, I tend to stay to myself and come out here and there to chat, talk and communicate.  Then I go back into hiding.  God is not asking me to delegate my job or my school work or my parenting.  In fact, the overwhelming part has been that nothing can truly be delegated.  Even if someone is watching my children, I am ultimately responsible.  No one can do my homework or learning for me.  It isn’t about delegating, its about being supported.

Delegation is when you pass off something to someone else to do. For instance, I delegate the responsibilities of cleaning the cat litter, cleaning the dogs crate, feeding the animals and washing the dishes to my children.  They do it.  I just check to be sure it has been done.

Support is when you complete your tasks, but those around you hold you up, they cheer you on.  They are cheering you on when you start to slow down and feel like you can’t go on.  They are holding you up when you feel like you can no longer stand.  When you reach a point that you feel you can not go on, your support system is there (0r should be) to keep you going.  God is central to that support system.  While it is nice to say that one can support themselves, and at times it may be necessary to exert such determination, it is truly a blessing to be able to rely on others and not have to walk alone.  Its no longer I did it by myself, but I did it by the grace and power of God, by His hand in my life and with the help of those He placed there to keep me going.

It is exciting and scary at the same time.  It is a “Wow” moment for me.  It also requires that I make a true attempt at socializing more versus hiding more.  I was overwhelmed so I hid from every social network, from all those around me and have been flying by the seat of my pants.  Guess what?  It does not work!!  People have to be there.  It is necessary for me to encourage, to fill up, to invest in and to desire friendships with others.  It is important that I have those friendships.  Its not just about them supporting me, but it works the other way around as well.  I need to be there for them too.

Now this is truly uncharted territory for me.  I am not really sure how one does that.  So we are onto the exploration of what does it mean to support a person.  How does one give support and how does one receive support?  Does it enhance the relationships and what are its pitfalls to look out for?  These are questions that I need to answer.

I am standing beyond the blindside right now and looking at it from an outside perspective.  Strange, out here it doesn’t seem all that complicated.  Yet within it, it feels insurmountable.  The truth it, its not difficult to overcome.

Life has become a quick series of new chapters.  Very short ones, but intense.  They are filled with lessons I could not have imagined and situations that need to be addressed.  Beyond the blindside, I can see and I understand that there are somethings things that a person can not walk through alone.

Written by neomav

September 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Back To The Basics ~ Step 1: The Calendar

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Every time I stray from using the calendar, I begin to fall backwards, redeveloping the bad habits that I had spent considerable time trying to get away from.  I find that being someone that is incredibly busy, the calendar is a way to keep myself accountable to a large variety of things.  Me on my own, truly is like a seed blowing in the wind.  No telling where I will turn up.

The calendar is more than a listing of tentative or required dates and times of planned events.  I block off my time for specific activities that may seem mundane to most people.  However, if I do not, those things simply do get ignored.  I am lost without the calendar.  It is like navigating the sea in darkness with no sign, no star and no land sightings.  Almost impossible.  You will get somewhere, but the chances are that it will be some place that you really did not want to visit.

At any rate, my last post I had stated that I am getting back to the basics.  I have felt a little out of it and strongly lacking my normal sense of focus.  There are many changes to be done and rather then make a long listing of them, overwhelming myself and engaging my perfectionist tendencies – its a small bite at a time.  The best place to start is establishing a good foundation or redirecting the driver (if you are a mobile run around type).

I use my calendar to assist me in keeping my foundation healthy, strong and well maintained.  It tells me what direction to drive in, how fast to go, when and where.  My mind is then free to mull over things that can have a greater impact on life then worrying about forgetting something or beating myself up because I did forget something.

Many of you are aware that I revisit my goals about four times a year.  Honestly, I have not done that very much this year and its August.  We are long overdue.  Goals are important, as the projects and tasks that I establish on my calendar are typically based out of these.  Each day is an opportunity to work toward those goals.   Chipping at them a little at a time makes a huge difference and allows many things to get done.  I know it is not as fast as just diving in and it does make me a bit slower than many people that I know.  Yet, I still manage to experience large pay offs.  The Dean’s List in school doesn’t happen on accident, you know.  😀

I will also be gathering together a listing of all living expenses, bills and financial items.  All bills get listed on the calendar about 10 days prior to their due date for payment.  While at this, I will create a draft of the family budget for further work as the year goes on.  Budgeting is not a once a year item either.  It usually follows the same time line as the goals.  Goals do have a major impact on the budget.

Next will be an update of the family house rules.  We are still operating in a elementary/middle school mix.  We need to be functioning in a high school/middle school mix.  This will create adjustments for the girls and a bit of growing pains that will need to be managed.  They will be utilizing their calendars as a result.

Out of the house rules will come the set of chores for each room in the house and all of the outside areas that need to be maintained.  This will become a teachable moment as well.  The girls have no clue all of what is required in owning a home, maintaining a household and being responsible for a family.  Kat is starting her second year of high school.  That means time is growing short and she has so much to learn in the next three years before she starts to spring out into the world on her own.  Boo is just starting seventh grade.  She has a bit more time to get these lessons under her belt.  It is time that Kat moves onto a newer set of chores that can equip her to be able to live on her own responsibly.  Its time for Boo to step up and become a very active participant in the household.

School is about to start for all three of us.  In fact, it begins on Monday.  I will need to add all the scheduled school closing dates to my calendar, as well as any events that we already know about.  Kat’s cross country schedule needs to be merged into mine and the family calendar (which I need to pick up).  Boo will probably have some additions this year as well.  She plays the flute in band and also does the chorus in school.  She was considering adding another activity to her schedule.  Mom also has quite a bit scheduled for the fall.  That needs to be incorporated as well.  We also have to chase down my sister and grab her schedule too.

At least it is good timing to get things in order.  These items will be done this week.  Check back for updates, as I am sure I will write as I struggle, frustrate myself and finish each task.

Filled versus Full

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I have been on a sort of mini vacation the last couple of weeks, just enjoying the girls and working.  Hey, I did say it was a mini vacation.  To me that means I go to work, do my thing, come home and try to deal with the girls issues, laugh at the goofy things they do (and are also laughing at) and generally put off many of my tasks to provide whatever might be needed in the moment.    Some days I did not have to put off anything, but there were days in which I had to.

My teen had a serious dance with peer pressure, which I am pretty sure is not over.  When is that really ever over?  Inside my heart breaks because she has friends making some very poor choices which will have a lasting effect on their lives and relationships in the future.  I try my best to encourage honesty.

Everyone has their issues, including teenagers.  Life is never ideal, nor is it fair.  However, we seemingly have been blessed enough to be able to make our own choices.  Many peoples lack this gift, and it is a gift.  American children seemingly do not understand why they have the ability to make choices to do the things they do and simply take the American lifestyle for granted.  After all, in their minds we all “deserve” it as a basic right.

Kat has some friends that have a very difficult time in appreciating what they have, where it came from and why it is there.  Pretty much these friends come from families that can afford the activities such as horse back riding, dancing, singing lessons, and other such type activities that have a huge price tag to them.  They do not have the understanding that someone worked hard for their smart iphone or droid powered phones and to provide them with opportunities and experiences many other kids around them will never have the opportunity to have or do.  Each of them have lives that are very full.  Many activities and many opportunities to stray without a parent realizing it.

That had me realize what a blessing I have in my children.  They are no different in the fact that they each have lives that are very full with activities that showcase their talents and desires.  We have singing, running, playing instruments and poi.  All perform at some level.  They are artistic and inquisitive, almost to a point that can be dangerous.  They desire to understand their friends.  Yet, they take the time to eventually talk to me about what is going on in their lives or to come clean with something that they may feel really guilty about.

It scares me sometimes.  My heart skips a beat, but it lead me to wonder, why it is not so for their friends.  What is the difference?  What makes a teenager feel compelled to talk to a parent when all of their friends are telling them not to do so?  Ironically, in this situation, it was not something terribly bad per sea, but could eventually lead to a walk on the wrong side of the fence based upon where these friends are walking in life.  So what makes one teen want to talk to their parents and another hides everything from their parents at all cost until things are too late?

Our children lead very full lives, but I think the answer is what we feed them and what we fill them with.  If all of my responses are based with anger and resentment each time an issue appears, am I filling that child with anger and resentment?  Am I teaching them to strike out as their first response action to a situation that is alarming?

If I listen, even if my face shows concern or shock, and ask questions to fully understand what they are trying to tell me and where their understanding sits, am I teaching them to listen and process?  If I can remain calm and take a deep breath, even walk away for a moment, will they learn those coping skills?  And when I lecture (which I do by the way), will they learn to lecture?  Will they somehow be able to take all different pieces of information and put it together to create a whole picture?

And at the end when I tell them that I love them, when I reassure them what is going on in my mind and how I feel, do they learn to honestly express themselves?  Do I just provide them with a full life and do whatever I need to skate by the moment as a check it off the list to do item or do I take the time to consider and choose to fill them up with compassion, mercy, love and reason?

I am a far cry from a perfect parent and my children are a far cry from perfect children.  The truth is, none of us have achieved perfection in anything.  This to me is not a bad thing, because it is an impossibility.  However, I want to be and hope to be a parent that my children can come talk to no matter the situation and feel comfortable with doing so.  I do not want to be their best friends.  I simply want to be their mom and the best mom that I can be for them.

I have to work more on the filling and not worry or focus on the pressures from the full.  They need to understand that we make choices everyday.  They will make poor choices.  What then?  They need to know what to do after a poor choice, just as well as what to do after a good one.  They need to understand and feel compassion.  They need to understand life without condemnation sitting at the door all of the time.  Fear is the biggest reason I see for teenagers today.  They fear parents will be angry.  They know we will be angry.  They fear our disappointment.  This isn’t to say to not be angry, but to say that our response and how we display that anger can have a long lasting affect on how they in turn respond to those around them during the same moments.

We forget that they still learn the same way they did when they were babies.  They mimic what they see.  They mimic what they hear.  Not all of it is from home.  Some of it is from television, the internet, school, friends, teachers, family friends and neighbors.  But they do also mimic parents.  I hope to be one that fills them with something of substance that can serve them well, enrich their lives and the lives of those around them for all their years.  Not simply a moment.

Written by neomav

June 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

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Sometimes things come back to haunt us.  The things spoken to a person or the things we want to say to a person.  The activities we chose to do or not do.  Each moment for all of us is a choice.  Everyone has different perspectives on what is important and what is not.

I watch my girls and I am so amazed at how different they all are, yet they all share that strong willed stubbornness.  My girls are independent thinkers.  That is a good thing most of the time.  Hey, I did not say they thought the right things.  I don’t even think the right things sometimes. O.o

I have my experience seeking adventurer, my athletic bubble liver and the classic under achiever.  Interesting things happen here.  Each has art sung into their souls in unique ways.  My adventurer loves poi.  The flames scare me, but she digs the fire dance.  Her drawing is inspired and unique.  My athlete sings and writes bits and pieces to songs on the go.  My classic fancies fashion, loves textures and bats out the melodies.

They all seem to interconnect in a way. Very different personalities, very different stages in life, yet many similarities.  It is indeed interesting to watch them interact.  Sometimes its funny, other times its simply fascinating.  They are enjoying each other.  I am very happy they are spaced out the way they are.  I used to worry, but I see as they get older, it offers much value.

Apparently while I was at work today, the classic decided it best to not put her all in all into washing the dishes.  She loaded the dishwasher, but with stuck on, never coming off food particles that need to be cleaned off.  Small items seeming jumped out of their home.  My silverwear decided to line the bottom.

I walk in the door to a small portion of the floor covered with bubbles and water.   My adventurer called it karma.  I called it the starting of an angry mom.  Fortunately, I was too tired to fuss much.  We cleaned out the dishwasher drama, brought some of the bubbles to the classic in her bed and invited her for a wash the dishes by hand retry.  The dishwasher was set to finish up and all ended well in the world.

 

Written by neomav

June 8, 2011 at 10:41 pm

The Weekend Plan O Funage

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It is Friday!  The start of a wonderfully busy weekend and that pivotal weekend when the world is suppose to end according to various students of a few methods of thinking.  My response to that, time passes and as it does, we live and breathe until – well we stop.  At that point, we move onto whatever comes next.

I am going to live each day as well as I can.  I will be the person God created me to be and learn through the series of mistakes that I share in common with many other humans doing the same thing on this planet.  Each day my eyes open and I  take a breath is another opportunity for an adventure and I have a hard time believing that it is without purpose.  In fact, I know it is with purpose.

So in true sassy style, I will go about this weekend like any other.  Tonight I will focus on getting my website together, some photography needed for that same website and content creation plans to fill in the portions of the website.  I shall have a live website by Sunday, regardless if all the content is available or not.  The fun with websites is the fact that they are ever developing.  😀

Saturday I have the normal grocery shopping, bill paying and errand running activities coupled with one of my daughters track events.  First thing in the morning I have to mow the lawn and do a few maintenance tasks.  My neighbors will hate and love me in the same instance because of how early I have to get it done.  By the evening, it will be back to content creation and writing with a game or two to de-stress.

Sunday brings about the normal church fun and family time.  A time that carries me through the week.  I need both.  Many might not agree with the church, especially if they categorize it as “religious practice”, but whatever.  What I know is that there is something in the gathering of a people that fill you with encouragement, that cheer you on, that celebrate your successes and cry with you during times of pain.  It has nothing to do with religion.  It has everything to do with relationship.  Relationship with fellow members and most importantly a relationship with God.  Just my two cents anyway.

After that it is prep time for the week, getting ready for work, getting the house settled and finishing up any leftover activities.  Its a wind down and a wind up at the same moment in time – where one cycle ends as another starts.

Potentially, my oldest may be arriving this weekend or she may be leaving from her starting location.  Not sure what those plans are/were and if they are being carried out.  Flexibility with this child is key and not something I do well.  That should provide for an interesting visit when she arrives.

Much has changed since the last visit she had here and much has stayed the same.  Many of the changes are actually within myself and what I am willing to deal with in life.  I find that over the past few years, I really am less apt to compromise something that I value.  I used to just toss my values out the window to please others.  I realized that not only was that not healthy, but it also allowed me to get involved with the more abusive and unhealthy relationships.

I simply do not have the time for the drama any more.  Life has to be basic and practical.  Even when it pops in a twist or two for us to experience.  Boundaries need to be stated, need to be clear and need to be respected.  When someone wants to cross or break down your boundaries because they feel they do not or should not be there, it is probably best that you reinforce those particular boundaries until you, yourself have assessed if it is an unhealthy thing or if it is a healthy thing.  Many people have great intentions, but those intentions become harmful as they control the environment of others.

God gave us free will.  That can be a real hardship when it comes down to people doing what ever they want and dishing out the pain.  I was abused as a child by my father in a variety of ways.  Free will.  He did what he wanted.  It was not a good thing, but it crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed.  Yet in the same token, the same man, would give his shirt off his back to protect a friend, feed that friend or care for them to ensure their health and safety.  Free will.  He did what he wanted.  It was a good thing and while it did cross boundaries, it crossed boundaries only after an open invitation to do so.  It was respectful, caring and loving.

This is why I say, simply really take the time to see why someone is wanting boundaries removed.  It is the purpose behind the intention that is far more important than the intention stated.  At any rate, there will be much in adjustment between my oldest and myself.  I know she has had to have changed much since I last saw her as well.  It is another adventure to look forward to in love, patience and compassion.

It will be a great weekend!

Written by neomav

May 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Not So Distant Reflections

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It was just like any other ordinary day, well, with the exception of the fact that it was my birthday.  I was prepared to just muddle through the day at the crazy pace that I have recently adopted over the six months.

However, despite the fact that life was going to have its way, my attitude for the day was joyful and light.  I am blessed beyond any measure.  My Mom had a morning message on my phone.  She sang Happy Birthday to me.   😀  That is love.  She also called to be sure that I had listened to the message.  Giggles!!!

My children actually had cleaned the house and completed their chores.  Now this might not seem like a big deal, but when the house is cleaned by your children and they have ensured that they have done all of their chores, it is a BIG deal!  It was sweet, as my teenager likes to say.  My middle child, the teen, created this huge card for me and she had all of her classmates sign the card, even if they didn’t know me.  LOL!  Crazy girl has some fun ideas brewing in that brain!

My sister made dinner and dropped it off at my home.  It was an awesome Corned Beef with Potatoes, Carrots and Cabbage!  It was great!  I snacked on that all night while I studied for my exam, worked on the project and homework that was due and snuck in a little work from work.  Shhhh!

At work, one of my co-workers had brought in some awesome cheesecake.  He also gathered together a few of our co-workers to help enjoy the cheesecake and celebrate the fact that I made it alive through another year.  😀  It was awesome and so was the cheesecake.

And my virtual living exploded.  Facebook went nuts and I have to say I looooved the attention. Unfortunately, I really couldn’t address everyone yesterday because I was intensely studying and trying to get work done. I stopped around 11:30 pm, still unfinished with my work.  L I was tired and just not concentrating. I had to deal with the left overs this morning and followed some studying and updating of homework during lunch.

It may not sound like much of a birthday, but to be honest with you, it was an excellent day.  I do not need fancy gifts or lots of material things.  Rather, it is nice to be remembered or to be important enough for someone to remember.  My family, co-workers and friends gave me a day in which I felt special even though I had to go to work, prepare for school and still fulfill the obligations that I have.  I think that is awesome and it is exciting.  ❤ ❤ ❤

 

Written by neomav

March 21, 2011 at 6:52 pm

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