The Sometimes Unspoken…..

Words of another single full time working, student & parent

Some Moving….

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There is a bit of transitioning that has been going on behind the scenes, which is part of the reason that I have not been available to post.  Life had danced with illnesses back to back, exams, and other things.  Its been a two month over run, so to speak.  April will still be filled and May I will have some time freed up for virtual wonders and games.

I will write more as I can.  For now, please take note the the blog is moving to my domain as I am centralizing my content.  You can find it at www.janice.oncedarkness.com – the content here will be shut down at the end of the month.

Until then…..look for the rest of the blogs to appear at the new address, plus one more at www.oncedarkness.com which is my step out off the safety of the limb I have so dearly been clinging onto.  Life sometimes requires us to shed the fear we hold within ourselves and trust in someone that is greater than ourselves.

See you at the new address…..

Written by neomav

April 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Effects of College on My Mind

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I find my mind twisted these past days.  I am painfully influenced by all of the various reading required in school.  While I can not push my mind past the images that float within it, I still try to dismiss the poetic songs that are left intertwined with my everyday thoughts.

It is like babble floating within the very cells of my brain.  I wonder, often, if this is how one experiences changes.  I know that each piece of knowledge, each piece of reading, every segment of every lecture is somehow being categorized, recorded and stored in the dark recesses of various areas of my brain.  The sad thing, is this is the true actual reality and I fully understand it.  I do not mean that to sound badly.  It is just, that is actually what is happening on a deeply cellular level and this is something I truly do understand.  The curse of being overly curious about the way to increase intelligence brought me to a few books that intentionally described the very process of learning.  It was strangely interesting and completely unforgettable.

Having spent the last few weeks rushing about with the start of the semester, trying to grasp the subject matter, which in some cases is a struggle, I am buckling under the physical call of tiredness.  Each semester seems to be easier on some points and harder on others.  I think I need to stop looking at the long road, that has seven more years of dancing with this college lifestyle and break it down into more agreeable portions.  Still, I can not help but to look down the road.  My goal is taunting me like one teases a dog with a treat.

I have three semesters left to claim the two Associates degrees that I have been working on.  I would have finished with this semester, had I not realized the lack of classes that would transfer to the four year college.  It is a smart decision and I do not feel sorrow for chasing down the Paralegal Studies.  The lawyers that had warned me that it was useless to do at this point, understood the base requirements for getting to the final goal quickly.  Instead, because of work, I chose to chase down the Paralegal side of life.  It does not really gather me much in prestige, nor will the degree grant me much in a way of a promotion.  In fact, the irony is, if they change my title to a paralegal, it is in fact a demotion from what I am currently titled.  Hopefully, that does not happen.

Even still, even if it does add an extra year to get to the law degree, I think that it is worth it.  I have come to realize the subject matter sets a solid foundation for those years to come.  Practically speaking, I will know the law from two sides of the equation.  One of the working class laborer, who assists the lawyers with various tasks as required and one of the lawyer,  brand new and inept at the very practice of law.  Many do not realize baby lawyers actually have little experience in the application of law.  They have plenty of practice in the theory of law.

It is a long road.  My youngest will have graduated from high school before I finish.  My oldest will more than likely graduate with her Associates Degree before I do.  My middle one will be part way through establishing her own independence as she traverses the college scene.  I wonder at the impact that my dance with education will have on them.  Is it a good influence upon them for their mother to entertain this level of education right now?  I am not sure at times.  It takes me out of the home for classes three nights during the week.  That is less attention and observation that I can provide to them.

We have already discovered that too much independence wreaks havoc with my two youngest.  Buckling under the pressure, they redefined the rules of the house to pretty much do whatever pleases themselves.  It was very displeasing to me.  I actually spent the last month getting the house back to a decent sense of stability.  Parent jail if you will call it.  Probably a topic for its very own blog.  Nevertheless, it was a very time consuming and tedious process that I truly wish was not necessary.  My two youngest are thriving again, but miserable that they lost the wondrous freedom they have enjoyed over the past three semesters.  The first two they were reasonable.  For some reason, this last one, they strayed a little too far.  It was not comfortable and has created havoc with their very beings, though they would attempt to convince you differently.

Now that things are back to an orderly way, I can start progressing on the goals I had established for myself.  A month late, but sometimes it is worth it to stop and deal with the items that can grow into insurmountable obstacles before they truly take root.  I am excited, but totally exhausted.

I apologize for the difference in writing style.  I, unfortunately, am easily influenced by the things I have to read in school.  My English Literature class is sending my senses buzzing and dancing in ways it had not, since I was a teenager in high school.  Old dreams are flashing in front of me and I am tempted to grab them as I travel this educational voyage, but I have to weigh the effects of such a choice.  Philosophy is fighting against the practical everyday portion of my being.  I am processing the information, understanding it and amazed, but kicking and screaming every step of the way.  Sociology is painful, almost like a salt filled wound.  My mind eases when I am privileged to read and go to the Probate Law and Litigation classes.  They appeal to my senses, are practical, useful and real.

All of it together gets mixed and I can not help but be influenced.  This semester ends in May, so just hang in there with me.  The poetic and dramatic styling that seems to have awakened is actually the way I used to write years ago, before life beat me with experience and time was used as a throttle.  I have no idea if it will stay or if I will bounce between the two.  Maybe they will merge and become something completely unique.  This, in and of itself, is a curious adventure.  At any rate, I am back and I hoped you missed me.

Written by neomav

February 4, 2012 at 12:52 am

And So It Starts

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The first morning of the new year has rolled in, expected and ready to provide adventures. Today is a new day, just like everyday we wake up to see, but today is one of 12 firsts during the year and it’s the first of the firsts.

All over people are holding a bit of inspiration to make changes to a something or a series of somethings in their lives. They will start with all the determination and motivation they can muster. Within a month, they fall back to their old patterns, simply because they fully believe they can make these changes on their own power. While it is true that you are not going to change unless you are ready, it is also true that you are not going to do it alone. See something substantial in your life has to change. There has to be a reason that means more to you than you do that drives you. For some it is the fear of death. For others the fear of God. Still there are even some that respond to the unexplainable compassion they find within someone that gives them the last opportunity when everyone else has long given up. Or it may be as simple as another person giving one permission to choose to be different. That may sound silly, but in some cases it is the hold up.

I am not an expert at anything really. Maybe an expert at making poor choices and learning to live with and do something with them. It has been a hard and difficult life. My adult life is thousands times better than those years of my teens. While I appreciate the people in my life from my past sometimes it can be a struggle, because they are reminders of those things that happened that we’re not right. The silent abuse that my sister and I were enduring at my fathers hand constantly pops into those memories. Yet it is a few of my friends from that time period that have kept me accountable to the goals that I have set for myself. They believe that I can do what my heart desires.

This past year has brought me in touch with a decent size group of friends from my childhood that are cheering me on with my education. They do not care what the obstacles are in front of me, the demons I contend with as I walk the journey or how impossible it seems to be. They simply believe that I can achieve.

My church family will pray for me, that if it’s God’s will, then those doors are open and I will accomplish the task at hand. They do not worry about my personal abilities. In fact, they do not care if I can or can not. They know that if God desires it and I am willing, it will be so. No science degree needed.

Thus I am reminded as we start the first day of this new year, that on my own, alone, I can accomplish very little. Each person praying and each person believing is walking with me. Every friend that tells me to get back to studying, that gives me something to push for and that has given me permission is holding my hand. God is holding all of our hands together.

I can not say where everything will end up or what the outcome will be. I know the journey itself is as much importance as the end of the journey. All this to simply say, realize today that you are not going to do it alone. Your motivation has to be bigger than yourself and more important than you. Even simple changes have large effects at their end. A one degree change may not seem like much at the beginning, but keep walking down the road and you soon find yourself miles away from where you were, not even on the same road you used to walk.

Different roads have different rules. The old you no longer applies, the old thinking has to fade away, otherwise you stop walking and end up running back to where you started from. Those around you help to keep you focused, help to keep you on the right path and constantly uplifted. Even if you seemingly stand alone each day, anything with God’s hand in it guarantees you that you are not alone. Regardless if there is a person placed there or God alone, you are not doing it by yourself, on your own strength or determination.

And so it starts, the new day. The light has draped the lands, exposing a new Sunday. How appropriate that it is the start of a new week, the start of a new year and a new month all in one. I hope this year is the year of accomplishments, that the impossible becomes possible and everyone is filled with awe and excitement each step of the way. I look forward to the day. Off I go to take a shower, wake the girls and get ready for the first church day of the year. There are treasures waiting for me today and I intend to collect them all. I am going to be greedy and will take every blessing that God allows me to have and to take those that were given to my family long ago. No stone will be left untouched. I am greedy for those treasure for they hold what I need most to walk the journey, accomplish the things required and desired. Today is an awesome adventure and I am blessed that my family and friend are with me. Let’s do it!

And Here is 2012!

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Giggling girls, over tired from waiting for the new year to roll in are sitting on my floor.  One started the new year by sliding, slipping and landing on her back on the floor.  CRASH!  We all jumped.  She starts laughing and it gets contagious.  The youngest had ran off to bed just a few seconds before.  The two oldest giggling and laughing.

This followed by a BANG outside.  No storm is brewing.  It is nice outside.  Just a tad bit nippy, but nice nevertheless.  Someone is setting off fireworks.  You can say our home is filled with joy.  The first moments of our new year were celebrated with prayer, cheers, laughter, washing dishes and the first fall of the family.  If we can go through this year able to laugh when we fall, able to joyfully learn the lessons presented before us and in awe of the blessings that come our way – life will be more than good.  It will be awesome.

The clock starts now.  My oldest is starting an attempt at vegan.  I am starting an attempt at training towards a 5K.  The new year dances in and I am excitedly ready for bed.  Not to sleep, but to get started.  To take a new beginning and run with it!

So off I run to sleep, wishing you a happy new year filled with blessings and treasures.  May this be the best year we have lived so far.

Written by neomav

January 1, 2012 at 12:22 am

Posturing

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I was driving home from my Mom’s house tonight, my body tired and my mental state excited. As I was driving home, I had developed a pain in the back of my neck. It really hurt! My mind was wandering from one topic to another while trying to figure out where and why I had developed this pain. All I knew was that it had to stop.

I had taken one of the corners and passed a gas station. I sat up nice and straight. I am not sure why I chose to sit up straight. There was nothing in particular to see or do. At that moment I was a bit shocked. My neck was hurting because my posture was terrible. I let my body curl over itself. I had to lift my head up high to see. Driving in that position was not doing me favors. The worst of it was that I had not realized I had this incredibly bad posturing until I had actually sat up straight.

Now some may call me silly, but it did get me thinking about how many other areas in life that my posturing may be off. The poor posturing did not make me drive slower or faster. It had no affect on my driving, but it certainly was having a painful affect on me. Eventually, I am sure it would have created issues with my driving.

How many places in my life do I do this? This is something I really have to examine. Do I do it only when I am tired or when I am feeling lazy? Posture is important. How one stands, holds themselves and presents themselves is, in fact, a presentation to the world as well as yourself. No one else gets a cramp if I position myself incorrectly. Just me. If my posturing improved, can it be that my self confidence will also?

Written by neomav

December 30, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Day 7 ~ Revitalizing

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I woke up late today. Not one pain or soreness sitting in body. The only plaque is the blister that has attached itself to the back of my heal. I need to get a different pair of walking or running shoes that have a lower back to them. Each day that blister turns into a blood fest, although each time its a little less blood. We will see! Reminds me of track and my army time with running. You just have to work through it.

Today the girls walked with me and the puppy (okay she isn’t really a puppy, but she is to me). Kat decided that she did not want to run and will do that later. Now I have to decide if I want to be the evil Momma or the nice Momma. Choices, Choices!!

Today’s playlist:




Written by neomav

November 26, 2011 at 10:52 am

Day 6 ~ Oppsas

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I didn’t do any power walks or any physical activity. Booo to me! I did go to work and get a bit of holiday shopping done. I am just posting this so that we have a record of my #fail. LOL!

I have to say that I was pretty bummed at myself. I tried to justify it in my mind, however, it does not really work. The good news is that it is motivation to do better and to stick to the plan. I really want those epic brain benefits! 😀

Written by neomav

November 26, 2011 at 10:45 am

Posted in Fitness, Habit Training

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